Aces and Eights

Original story by Niceguy




“Ehh… hah… HeeeehhhhTHCHOO!” Brigid sneezed for what seemed like the hundredth time that night.

“Bless you, darlin’.” James said, offering her another tissue. His voice had the slightest hint of femininity to it. Brigid had no idea why he insisted on handing her the tissues, but she didn’t mind the attention,

“*sniff* Thanks.” She said, before deciding to match the bet. “*sniff* Call.”

“The cat’s really bothering you, huh sweetie?” Jake was concerned about his girlfriend, but he knew the feisty red-head well enough not to push the issue too much.

“*sniff* I’m f-fine. Now call.” She answered impatiently.

“Two pair.” Jake threw in. She looked at Bill.

Bill took another pull on his cigar and exhaled. “Well your allergies don’t seem to be affecting your game much. Two pair, Ace-high.” Bill had never been supportive of the idea of letting a woman join their poker group, and after she cleaned them out each of the last two games, he was even less crazy about the idea now. He was one of the better players in the group, but she clearly outclassed him.

James had already folded, so that left Logan, the only player in the group Brigid had a hard time figuring out. Bill talked too much, James was a completely non-aggressive player and her boyfriend, Jake, bless his heart, just had no clue. But Logan played everything close. She got the feeling that he was the ringer of the group, before she came along anyway.

“Nothing. Congrat’s, you caught me bluffing. Though I have no ides what these two were figuring.”

“I though you both were.” Bill said, looking at Jake.

“Two pair wouldn’t do it, huh?” Jake asked, realizing he was probably over-extended.

“You put twenty down on two pair?” Bill was stunned. “My god man, at least say you thought they were bluffing if you go that far out!”

“Well…” Jake started before Brigid brought the hand to a close.

“You were $20 out on two-pair all the same, Bill. Flush. *sniff* oh man, heh… hah... heeeATCH-oo!” James blessed her and handed her another tissue. She blew her nose and collected her chips. “Logan’s deal.”

“I’m sorry, darlin’. Maybe we should take my place out of the rotation if the cat bothers you that much.”

“*sniff* Really, I’m fine. *sniff* Logan’s deal.”

“No, way. If she can’t cope with it, she can sit out those nights!” Bill retorted.

“Wow, *sniff* you seem extra sensitive tonight, Bill. *sniff* Is it just playing with a woman, or being beaten so badly by one that bothers you so much?”

“Humph” Bill grunted before finishing his last sip of Scotch and going back to his cigar.

“Well, before Logan deals, anyone for one last round before we start the final hand?” James said as he got up and poured himself the last of the Merlot.

“Why not. One more beer, please.” Jake answered. He figured if he was losing money anyway he might as well get some free beer out of it.

“Yeah, *sniff* I’ll have one more.” Brigid was cleaning up again tonight, despite the distraction of a runny nose and having to sneeze every few moments because of James’ cat.

“I’m good.” Logan said, shooting down the last of his beer.

After everyone else had their drink refilled, Logan picked up the deck. The first thing he did was to pull out the two Jokers. Knowing that Logan had an affinity for wild cards, this surprised Brigid. She wondered what he was up to.

“OK,” Logan started coolly, “It’ll just be a simple 5-card draw, but with one twist…” He looked around; making eye contact with each player to make sure they were paying attention. They all seemed like they were on the edge of their seats. Logan always managed to come up with at least one really cool new variation each game, but so far he had been going with the old standards. “The Wild Card will start out at twos and go up by one every time Brigid sneezes.”

The reaction for the group was loud and chaotic. Bill almost choked on his Scotch.

“Interesting.” James replied

“No way! You’re giving the best player at the table control over the wild card?!” Bill roared.

“I wouldn’t say she’d have control over it. If she could suddenly stop, don’t you think she’d done so by now?” Logan asked, with a slightly amused look on his face.

“But, *sniff* w-wait, I-I… heh… heeeAHTCHOO! *sniff*.”

“Here you go darlin’.” James handed her another tissue. “Well, let’s vote, shall we? I’m fine with it.”

“As am I.” Logan followed, to no one’s surprised.

“I don’t know…” Jake started, feeling that his girlfriend’s suffering was somehow being exploited, but Brigid interrupted.

“*sniff* Fine. I’m fine with it, so it’s settled.”

“I’m out.” Bill said gruffly.

“You know the rules,” Logan reprimanded, “No one’s out until they ante up.”

Bill threw in his chip and reluctantly accepted his hand.

Logan dealt and the players picked up their cards.

Bill, sitting next to Logan, was the first to pick up: The Two and Five of Diamonds, the Six of Spades and the King and Queen of Clubs. “Shit. Three.” He threw in his cards, keeping the King and Queen.

Jake was next. He had a pair of Fours (clubs and spades), the Three of Hearts, the Jack of Clubs and the Ace of Diamonds. “Three.” He said, hoping to build on the pair.



James sighed. The Two of Spades, Four of Clubs, Six of Hearts, Seven of Diamonds and the Nine of clubs. Disgusted with his prospects he kept only his high card. “Four.”

Like Jake, Logan was also looking at a pair - of threes, Clubs and Diamonds. He took the Eight of Spades, and the Ten and Queen of Diamonds, and threw them in. “And I’ll take three.”

Before anyone had the chance to pick up, Brigid sneezed again. As James handed her another tissue, Logan made a referee’s call. “That doesn’t count. The wild card is still twos until everyone picks up. So pick ‘em up and the next one’s for real.”

Bill grumbled, still not crazy about Logan’s idea for the hand. He looked at his new hand and weighed the possibilities: His pair of twos was now joined by the Five, Queen and King of Clubs. He saw a couple potential three-of-a-kinds and, as it stood now, he had a flush. He liked that well enough, but didn’t like the pair of twos he’d constantly be just one sneeze away from. “One dollar.”

“That’s it, huh?” Jake asked, smiling as looked at his had.

“Haaah… TCHOO!” Brigid sneezed.

“Now you know why! AND THAT WAS FAKE!”

“*sniff* It was not!” Brigid answered incredulously; shocked that even Bill would make such a bold accusation.

“Now Bill, you can’t just…” James started as he handed her another tissue

“Like hell! This is what I was talking about! She…”

“Tell you what, Bill, *sniff* how about next I hit you with the spray, so you can vouch for their authenticity.”

Looking around the table and seeing that the rest of the players were against him, he backed down. “That’s all right. I’ll be good.”

"OK then…” Jake figured it would be wise to get the game going again. As bad a player as he was, he figured that Bill had just lost a decent hand. He looked at his own: His pair of fours was joined by a pair of sixes, Diamonds and clubs, and the Queen of Spades. He didn’t have a wild card yet, but seeing as he was a sneeze away from four of a kind, he saw the bet. “I’ll see your buck…”

“Hahhh… HAAATCH-ooo! *sniff*” James handed her a tissue as Jake continued his bet, now holding four of a kind.

“And raise you three.” He smiled. But he was soon regretting his bet as another sneeze knocked him back down to two pairs – the same hand he’d just lost $20 on.

“HeeeAAAHHHH-tchoo! *sniff* What are we up to Logan?”

“Fives.” Logan smiled, despite the fact that his growing erection that was making him slightly uncomfortable. He’d always been rather jealous of Jake. He’d had the worst crush on Brigid ever since they first met. It grew when he learned what a strong, outspoken woman she was and more so when he learned that she played poker, and well. He didn’t know she was allergic to cats, and no one else knew of his fetish, but he was really enjoying this hand and planned to raise, every chance he got, regardless of what he had.

Brigid looked down. Fives being wild gave her a strait. There was also a possible flush, but otherwise she had the occasional pair and a whole lot of nothing. But thinking that Bill would enjoy it way too much if she dropped out early, she stayed in. “I’ll see the three and raise wah.. one… HAAAHtchoo! Hah… HATCHOO! Damn!”

“Seven’s hmm?” James verified, looking at his hand: He’d gotten another Nine, of Hearts, and the Seven of Clubs, Ten of Hearts and King of Diamonds. He noticed Jake perk up after the first sneezed, and saw him deflate just as much after the second. He was looking a three of kind now, and while he wasn’t crazy about the hand overall, seeing only a few potential three-of-a-kinds and otherwise just a pair of nines, he thought he might get lucky, seeing as how everyone else was also capable of coming up with a bum hand. “I’ll see your four, darlin’.”

Logan did get another three (Spades) along with the Eight and Ace of Hearts. Overall he felt pretty good about things. He threw in his four, and held another four in his hand over the pot as he looked over at Brigid. He thought he saw her eyes narrow slightly.

“Wha… Wh-What is it?”

“Cat sure sheds a lot, huh?”

“*sniff* Just bet, Logan.”

“You OK?”

“*sniff* J-Just… b-bet… heh... *sniff* hah… HEEATCH-hoo!”

“Raise four!” He smiled, now sitting on four of a kind, with eights wild. “The bet’s eight Bill. You in?”

Brigid sneezed twice more as Bill mulled things over. Tens being wild left him with just a pair, but he was five sneezes away from a flush, and he figured there was still some time. Throwing caution the wind he put in. “Seven meets, raise one. Jake?”

Jake still had his two pair, but looked over at Brigid.

“*sniff* oh God… *sniff* I swear it’s getting worse… hah… haaaAAATCH-hoo! *sniff* man!”

Jacks wild didn’t help, but he’d have a Full House if she sneezed again. “Five meets, raise two. The bet’s eleven. You in sweetie?”

Brigid now had her flush, but she felt another sneeze coming. ‘Damn my nose and damn that cat!’ she thought. She put in her seven to meet and was about to raise four, but hesitated as she wondered how long she could hold this one in.

“You OK there?” Bill leaned forward, blowing his cigar smoke at her.

“Oh puh-lease, Bill! You think I could spend so much of my y-youth in a pool halls if I was bothered by a little s-smoke?”

“So what’s it going to be? Call or raise?”

“Rai.. Rai… Raise… hah… HAAAHTCHOO! DAMN!” She sneezed just as she dropped her four, raising the bet to fifteen, and turning her flush into Jack-high. Jake seemed pleased with himself now that, with Queens wild, he was sitting on a full house.

James met and raised one, hoping for another sneeze to turn his pair into three of a kind. Bigid’s nose soon obliged and he handed her another tissue. “King’s now. And the bet stands at fifteen. Logan?”

Logan looked down. One sneeze or three would give him four of a kind, with Aces or Threes wild. Mentally he crossed his fingered, threw in his eight to meet, and looked at Bill.

“I still say this is bullshit.”

“HAAAATCH-hoo!”

“Oh! Wait! Meet!” Bill said, sounding happy. Twos wild gave him back his Flush.

“Haah… haaaathc-HOO!”

“DAMN!” Bill roared, now looking at pair of two’s.

Jake wasn’t too happy with his two pairs, but he hoped for one more sneeze to give him four of a kind with fours wild. With only Brigid left to bet he’d figured he could time it right if he ended it quickly. He met the bet and looked at Brigid.

“Haah… Hutch-HOOO! Oh boy. *sniff* let’s see…” with fours wild, she had nothing. Her nose still itched, but she had to buy some time if she was going to sneeze again and make the Flush. “I don’t know…”

“Come on! This is what I was talking about!” Bill roared. She loved that this was burning him up so much

“Just take your time.” Logan said calmly. He was staring at her intently, grateful that studying someone’s face so closely was perfectly acceptable behavior in poker. He could see her nostrils twitch and her eyelids flutter. He hung on every hitched breath. He knew what she was doing but he didn’t care. The show was well worth the money.

“I th-think… I’ll… hah… “

“Give me a break.” Bill snorted under his breath.

“HAAAT-CHOO! CALL!” She yelled, slamming down her dollar to meet and as soon as Logan said, “Show em,” her allergies finally overtook her.

“Hatch-hoo! HEEATCH-hooh! Ha… HaAAHH-tchoo! *sniff* Oh man!” She sneezed several more times as James handed her tissues.

“The wild card ended up on five.” Logan called. “Show your cards gentlemen!” He looked over at James, who had just handed Brigid the last of the tissues.

“Pair of nines, I’m afraid.” He said, knowing that wouldn’t beat what ever Brigid had.

“Well, I’ve gotcha Jimmy.” Logan stated. “Three threes.”

“GODDAMNIT!” Bill yelled, slamming down the three twos he had with fives being wild.

“Two-pair,” Jake shrugged, smiling. “My lucky hand all night, I guess.”

“*sniff* Read em and weep, boys! *sniff* Strait, to the Jack.

As she reeled in her bounty, she looked up at James. “Hon, I hope you don’t mind if I don’t stay to help you clean up but, *sniff* that being the last hand and all, and *sniff* seeing as you’re out of tissues, I’m really ready to be heading home now.”

“No problem darling’. You drive safe now, Jake, ya hear?”

“Thanks, I will.”

Bill grumbled ‘G-Bye’ and Logan walked them to the door. In his mind, he was trying to figure out he could make James’ place come up more often in their little group’s rotation.

Ah! Now I Understand!

An Ah! My Goddess! Fanfic by Niceguy
Setting and all non-original characters are property of Kosuke Fujishima

NOTE: This is the third (and final) part of a story arc that includes Ah! I'm Going to Sneeze! and Ah! We Really Screwed Up!. So if you haven't read those yet, please go check them out first!



"You know…I might be feeling better but… if you wanted to… we could still… maybe… experiment a little…?" Asakawa saw that she was rolling a small vial of white powder between her fingers. He didn't recognize it at first, but was hit with a wave of profound embarrassment once it registered what she was holding.

"Where… uh… where did you get that?" He asked, smiling nervously.

"Oh… I found it between the cushions of the couch. I assume it fell out of your jacket pocket last night. Is this… what I… think it is?"

"Ha-ha… yeah… uh… it is, but… well… you see… uh… someone gave me that a long time ago…. I mean I didn't even know I still… please don't think…."

"Shhhhhhh…." She put her index finger on his mouth as took him by the hand and slowly led him inside, eager to pick up where they'd left off.

-----------------------------------------------

He was lying on his back, looking up with an almost silly anticipation.

She was on her knees, straddling his waist, looking down at him with a nervous smile on her face. Although this moment had been a long, awkward and exasperating time in coming, she could still hardly believe it had arrived.

He kept looking up at her, content to watch as events unfolded. He could feel Hasegawa’s weight on him, even though she felt as light as feather. They looked at each other a moment longer before that mischievous look returned to Hasegawa’s eyes. A million thoughts raced through her head as she raised the small vial to her nose and began to remove the stopper.

Where was this reckless abandon coming from? When had she gotten so bold? She was overwhelmed by it, but decided to continue to embrace it. What would he do? How would he react? What would the contents of this vial do to her? Would it feel like the other day? That was awful, but she thought she could deal with it, since she thought she knew what it would do to him. What if they…? What would that feel like? She pulled the stopper and took the slightest sniff of the vial’s contents.

Nothing. She laughed nervously, as did he.

“Be careful.” He smiled.

“Uh-huh.”

She inhaled a little deeper. She could feel a slight tingling in her nose, but nowhere near how she felt the other day, and definitely not enough to make her sneeze. He smiled a little wider as he looked at her.

A few more sniffs and not much was happening. Anticipation was quickly turning into frustration. And that was leading to fear: Was this frustrating to him as well? He didn’t seem to mind. He kept smiling; but there was anticipation in that smile. What if this didn’t work? Part of what motivated her to do this was that she didn’t really know what she doing when it came to “making out.” She never really had a boyfriend, and thus had practically no experience in the matter. She thought this might make things go more smoothly, but now things weren’t going smoothly at all.

She put her finger over the neck of the vial to plug the hole and shook it gently. “Yeah, this’ll work for sure!” she thought. When she sniffed it this time there was a fairly intense reaction. Her nose burned slightly, but really started to tickle rather strongly. It still didn’t feel like the other day, but she knew that it was only a matter of time. She put the vial down on the nightstand, to avoid spilling it, and started to breathe deeply through her nose.

“That’s it!” she thought. It was fanning the coals of a fire. The glowing ember would get brighter and brighter until finally erupting in flame. She could visualize the same thing happening in her nose. She took a very deep breath, let it out and then felt the fire finally ignite.

Her eyes, which had started to tear a little, narrowed as her nose quivered slightly. She opened her mouth in kind of upside-down smile, drawing her lower lip down and showing the tops of her teeth as she inhaled sharply.

“hitch-*squeak*”

She had not intended to cover up, but did so anyway out of habit. All she could think was: “I did it! It worked!” She lowered her hands so that she could see his reaction. She was somewhat disappointed that he didn’t seem to react at all. He kept looking up at her with that same, silly grin. His smile may have widened a little, but nothing really happened. She didn’t know what to expect, she probably would have peed herself in fright if one sneeze had turned him into a ravaging animal, but she had hoped for something. He just kept looking at her.

Figuring the “embers” needed a little more “fanning” and feeling both a little bit self-conscious and a little bit impatient; she grabbed the vial from the nightstand, covered the top again and shook it violently.

Anticipating what she was about to do, Asakawa tried to caution her, “Be careful now, don’t inhale too much…” But it was too late.

Hasegawa put the vial right up to her nose and inhaled fiercely, as if it was her intention to snort up the entire contents. She realized her mistake before she was even done making it. The tickle in her nose was gone, replaced with a painfully intense burning as the fiery particles ripped into the delicate tissues inside her nose and sinuses, irritating them to a torturous degree. The pain reached up into her eyes, which now welled up like faucets.

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!” She grabbed at her nose, unable to do anything about the blinding pain within. She could feel the irritation starting to creep down her throat. “Oh my god! Ow! Oh… it burns!”

“Water, get some water! Quickly!” Asakawa didn’t really know if that would help, but he figured it couldn’t hurt. As Hasegawa ran to the bathroom, he picked up the discarded and now empty vial from the floor and read the label: Ingredients: Finely ground white pepper. He went over to see if there was anything he could do for her.

She was over the sink, splashing water on her face, trying to get some into her nose. At the same time she was blowing her nose, trying to rid herself of the irritants she had inhaled. He felt like such a heel. He had never told anyone about his fetish before and now because he had told her, she may have really hurt herself. That she was in pain was more than he could bear, but there was nothing he could really do. He wondered what was he supposed to do? Stand here and watch? Go back to the bed? Leave? Apologize? He wished he had the power to just make her stop hurting. He was sure she would be furious with him. He braced himself for the worst and started to apologize.

“Hasa….” but that was as far as got before she interrupted him.

She turned to face him. She looked awful; almost worse than she did the day before. But even thought her face and hair were soaked and her nose and eyes were red and puffy, she didn’t seem angry. It seemed more like she was the one on the verge of tears

“Yuichi… *sniff* I’m so sorry!”

Now he really felt horrible. She’s the one who gets hurt trying to please him, and now she ends up apologizing. He never felt so low. “No Hasegawa. I’m sorry. You… you didn’t have to do that. I… I really shouldn’t have let you. I’m…so sorry.” By the time he finished, he could barely look at her.

Each looking up, they stared at each other for a moment before Hasegawa finally broke down and started to cry. She fell into his arms, and he held her tightly. He kept whispering that he was sorry, and all she could do was shake her head and try to stop crying. Things had really not worked out at all for either of them. He felt horrible about having caused her pain, and she felt as if this was the second time that a potential make-out session was ruined by her inadequacy. They shared the embrace for several minutes before he suggested that maybe he should go.

“*sniff* Hm-mmm. *sniff*” was all she could manage. As he left, she wondered if he’d ever come back. This was the second time things had ended badly. Would there even be a third?

The next time they met up was at the auto-club meeting after class. The turnout was pretty good that day. Keichi Morisato and Belldandy were both there and so was Asako Watanabe, this year’s other new recruit. Hasegawa had to admit she didn’t care for Asako that much. It wasn’t just that Asako was so much prettier than her – she had become accustomed to thinking of everyone else as being in a league well above her own; but she had noticed that Asako was not particularly friendly. She didn’t seem to know her way around engines, and yet every time Hasegawa had tried to talk to her she’d get the cold shoulder; only to see her talking to one of the upper classmen about the very same thing only a minute later. But she didn’t seem too interested in either Keichi or Yuichi, so Hasegawa figured that, even if she’s wasn’t very friendly, she’s wasn’t someone she really needed to concern herself with one way or the other. But when she joined the club meeting this day, she said something that made Hasegawa seriously reconsider that judgment:

“*sniff* Oh man! *sniff* My allergies are really bothering me today!”

Waves of emotion washed over Hasegawa. Fear. Anger. Jealousy. Nervousness. A million questions flooded her mind: Did Asakawa hear that? What if she started sneezing? What if he saw that? Asako is so much prettier than me, and she has allergies?! Would she steal him away from her? Asako could have anyone she wanted, and yet Yuichi was the only one that Hasegawa had ever come close to having! Would he change his mind? Would he drop the mousy, insecure, spaz in favor of the beautiful and potentially sneezy model-girl? Why did this have to happen? Why did their only two dates so far have to end so badly? Was she about to lose the only guy that ever showed any interest in her?

In reality she needn’t have worried so much. Yuichi had barely noticed Asako, and she really wasn’t his type. He would concede that she was attractive, but only in a detached, objective sort of way. As if to say, “Yes, I’m sure that there are a lot of men that find her very attractive;” not in a way that suggested the least bit of interest on his part. And he had seen how she treated people like Morisato and Hasegawa, and he had no patience for anyone could think of other people as being beneath them. To his mind’s eye, Asako was not really that attractive at all. And while he had heard her announcement, his only thought was “bothering? Yeah, right.” And he thought of Hasegawa a few days earlier and the night before and thought, “THAT’S being bothered. Don’t be such a drama queen!”

Hasegawa kept sending nervous glances his way, but she needn’t have worried so much. Asakawa just faced front, listening to the briefing being given by president Tamiya. He still felt too awkward about what had happened to return Hasegawa’s glance, but hadn’t given Asako, or her announcement, a second thought. About halfway through the meeting Hasegawa glanced over at Asako and was mortified by what she saw.

Asako had a look on her face that seemed to simultaneously suggest both concentration and vacancy. He eyes seemed to gloss over, but her brow was furrowed. She started to lightly wave her hand in front of her face. “Here it comes.” Hasegawa thought to herself, now feeling thoroughly depressed.

“HaahAAAHHH-HAH-SHOOO-OOO!” Despite her delicate, feminine appearance, her sneeze came out as a near glass-shattering scream. “Oh! Excuse me!”

Although it was dramatic, Asako had sneezed only one time in the entire hour-long club meeting. Asakawa continued to think “That’s what she calls being bothered? Pul-lease!” And although she was blessed simultaneously by half a dozen club members, Hasegawa did manage to notice that Asakawa was not among them. Although she couldn’t figure out if he was merely putting on a show for her benefit or if it really meant he wasn’t interested, she realized that either way meant that they were still together. That he still cared. That this opportunity hadn’t slipped away from her. The boldness that had possessed her intermittently since they’d met made yet another a comeback. She resolved to talk to him after the meeting and, no matter what happened, she wouldn’t give up until she knew where they stood.

Once the meeting closed and everyone started to leave, Hasegawa said goodbye to Morisato and Belldandy, excused herself after bumping into Asako, and sought out Asakawa.

“Yuichi? Do you have a minute? Can we go somewhere and… talk?”

He looked nervous, as if he was the one who might be getting the bad news. “Um… sure.” He followed her to a fairly deserted part of the campus, where they sat on a park bench.

“You think she’s pretty… don’t you?” Hasegawa had not planned on starting the conversation that way, but at that moment Asako was foremost in her mind. His response made her think he wasn’t listening.

“Well… yeah, I guess, but I really only want to be with you. And besides she seems happy with Morisato…”

“Huh? Wha... Who… do you think I’m talking about?”

“Huh? I thought you meant Belldandy. I mean everyone think she’s really beautiful, right? I’m not saying I’m blind or anything, but I’ve really never considered her. I’m a little surprised you brought her up…”

“Not Belldandy! I’m talking about Asako!” Hasegawa wasn’t sure if he was teasing her, or hiding something. Why would he bring up Belldandy?

“Asako? Hmmm. I don’t really want to say anything bad about someone I don’t really know, but… No. Not really. Not my type.”

“But she… well, she said she had… allergies.”

Yuichi was about to nod in agreement, rather nonchalantly, when he suddenly realized what had been bothering her. “And you think that makes a difference?”

“Well… I…”

“Sora… Asako is not a nice person at all! I’ve seen how she treats you and Morisato-senpai and some of the other people in the classes we have together. She’s conceited and self-centered and… Why on earth do you think I’d like her?!”

“Well, I… oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know… Please don’t…” The momentary boldness she had felt seemed to have left her. Even after everything they had talked about, she still managed to completely misread the situation. She started to apologize again, when he interrupted her.

“It’s OK, Hasegawa. I guess I never really did a very good job of explaining it. I’ve never told anyone else about it, so… I guess I really don’t know how I should explain it. The fact that someone sneezes does not make them attractive to me. After all, everyone sneezes. I’m attracted by… I don’t know… I just like what I like… I like… people like… you.” That sounded a lot lamer out loud than it had in his head, and he looked away momentarily, slightly embarrassed.

“Sora… What happened last night… Well… I was interested in seeing you sneeze mainly because I’m so interested in you. I don’t know how to explain it… I guess I’d say that it enhances the feelings that are already there. It’s like someone having big…” But he cut off that explanation, not only considering it far too vulgar but also sure that Hasegawa would take it the wrong way. “It’s like… well OK, if you’ll pardon the rudeness, it’s like seeing someone naked. If it’s someone you like, then it’s really exciting. But if it’s someone you don’t, well it’s… not. I guess.”

“So if Asako Watanabe came to class naked you expect to believe that you wouldn’t even look at her?” Hasegawa asked cynically.

Yuichi laughed at the thought of it. “Well, of course I’d LOOK. I’d LOOK even if Tamiya & Otaki-senpai came to class naked. And while I seriously hope that never happens… the fact of my looking would amount to about the same thing.” A sly, lopsided grin crept onto his face. “I can definitely think of a certain someone that I’d much rather see come to class wearing nothing but their glasses…”

That made Hasegawa blush profusely. “Stop that, you’re embarrassing me!” But even through her nervous laughter, she held his hand as if to say that she understood that all was OK again between them. She leaned her head on shoulder and they stayed that way for several minutes before he broke the silence.

“I… uh… get the impression that you don’t feel too good about how things have gone so far in our relationship.” Just hearing him say “our relationship” filled Hasegawa with a warm, cozy and yet almost completely unfamiliar feeling. “So why don’t we try for a fresh start. Why don’t we try the old standard: Dinner and a movie? I think I can manage that without screwing anything up.”

“Wait… You… you think you’re the one who screwed everything up?” Hasegawa asked, clearly surprised by what he’d just said.

“Well… to be honest I kind of hoped you didn't think everything had been screwed up, but… yeah. I can’t shake the feeling that everything that happened to you… and us… is all my fault.”

Hasegawa was stunned by this revelation. “Would it surprise you know that I thought the same thing?” quickly adding, “I mean… that I was the one screwing up? …not you.”

He looked at her, and laughed out loud. Then they were laughing together, both feeling a sense of relief. “OK… how about this: Fresh start. Forget about everything that’s happened so far, and just go out on a normal, good old-fashioned, first-date?”

“That sounds like a very good idea.”

“OK. This Satuday? Dinner? Movie?”

“I’d like that.” She answered, feeling for the first time in her life as though everything was going to be all right.

The Sternutation of Haruhi Suzumiya

A The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya fanfiction
Setting and all non-original characters are property of Nagaru Tanigawa


[One]

To anyone who didn’t know better, I might look like an ordinary high school student. Anyone who came to that conclusion, however, wouldn’t be looking very closely. First of all there is the fact that three of my four closest friends include an alien, a time traveler and an esper. (That’s a fancy word that basically means ‘psychic.’) How did I come to fall in with such a diverse crowd? Well… the answer to that lies with the fourth person, and the de facto leader of our little group: Haruhi Suzumiya. None of the three has been able to tell me (or convince me of anyway) exactly what Haruhi is, or why they are interested in her; although ‘Were drawn to her’ might be a better way to out it.  To Yuki (the alien) she represents little more than “an explosion of data.” As Yuki has the personality of a laptop, it seems fitting that she views Haruhi that way. Beyond that she can only describe Haruhi as something more than human. According to Miss Asahina, the time traveler, Haruhi caused some sort of temporal anomaly three years ago that prevents time travelers from the future form traveling to any point earlier than that… although as frightened as Miss Asahina is around Haruhi, it would seem that she may have done more than that. It’s possible, at least if you were to believe Itzuki – the psychic, that Haruhi may very well be (or at least have the powers of) a god. His take on Miss Azahina’s investigation is that Haruhi may have actually created time travel three years ago or, more profoundly, created the entire universe just three years ago. Either would explain with Miss Asahina’s people can’t travel back farther than three years ago from the present day. Time travel was either impossible prior to that point or there wasn’t anything to go back to. As for me? All I know is that these three claim to be here for no more important a reason than Haruhi wanted them to be. She wanted to meet interesting people, like aliens, time travelers and espers, and these three just seemed to show up – as if she willed it to happen. What I don’t understand is why Haruhi can’t figure it out – why she still isn’t privy to the knowledge that they’re anything other than normal high school students. Personally, I’m not so convinced of Haruhi’s divinity. My life may have gotten really strange since meets Miss Haruhi Suzumiya, but I somehow doubt that a god could possibly be experiencing what she is right now…

“Haaaaaaaaah-shoo! Haaaah-shoo! Hah-SHOO! Huh… Huh… HAAAAHHSHoo!”

I blessed her.

“Oh man… *sniff* another month, I’m gonna be sneezing…”

I just looked on, mildly amused. I had to admit that I found this more than a little bit entertaining. First off, she was a very beautiful girl, and she looked really cute when she sneezed. (Not that I had like a fetish or anything… *a-hem* Where were we? Oh yeah…) And considering how much trouble she usually caused everyone around her, us four in particular, I found it some how fitting that she was being bothered by something for a change. (At least by something other than her own boredom. That usually led to near catastrophe for the rest of us.)

“So what’s the deal? Are you sick or something?” I wasn’t really that concerned… but I didn’t want to catch anything. (Could a god even get sick?)

“No you moron… haaaaah… I have… *sniff*… HAAAATHOO! Allergies. Do you really think I could be sick for a month, Kyon?”

‘Kyon’ was her nickname for me. It’s kind of become everyone’s nickname for me. I really wish they’d stop calling me that. “If it’s going to be like this for a whole month why don’t you take something? I’m sure…” (I was still talking, but there’s really no point in continuing because from this point on Haruhi was now talking over me. This happens a lot.)

“No, no. None of that stuff works. Plus it makes me tired. Class is already boring enough. If I took anything I’d just fall asleep.”

I tried telling her that it doesn’t all have that effect, or that there are different things she could try, but she just kept taking, so I don’t think she heard any of it. Unfortunately, while I’ve been telling you all of this, I missed most of what she was saying. “What?”

“I said: So don’t forget and make sure to be on time!”

Uh oh. Now I’m in trouble. “Wait… What am I supposed to do?”

“RRRRRRR! We’ren’t you listening?! We’re going… *sniff* hang on… haahAAAHTCHOO! *sniff* Man! We’re going to have a club meeting! So don’t… for… get… haaah… HAHTCHoo. Hey… what’re you lookin’ at?!”

I hadn’t realized that I’d been staring. “I’m sorry. Tissue?” She didn’t seem to have any, so I offered. It probably wasn’t polite for me to be staring. (Or to feel as amused as I did at her suffering.) She blew her nose and dropped the tissue back on my desk.

“Thanks… Hey… Why *sniff* why do you keep looking at me like that?”

“Huh? Oh… I didn’t realize… was I…”

“HAAAHTchoo! Would it kill them to close the window? Geeze! Just once I’d like everyone else to feel like I do. Nobody understands at all. Just once I wish everyone else could go through what I have to. *sniff*”

It occurred to me that if she wasn’t so eccentric, it might be easier for people to understand her, but that wasn’t really the issue here. As she put her head down on her desk, sniffling and blowing her nose (and still giving me the tissues back! – I mean, come on! She never returns anything else she borrows, what makes her think I want these back?!) I did feel a little sorry for her. (And that wasn’t easy.) But if she hated it so much, and if she had the power that Itzuki claimed she did, why couldn’t she just will it away? Or had she actually wished for this at some point? I’d never heard of anyone being allergic to cherry blossoms… did she bring this on herself? Suddenly I didn’t feel so good. I got that same nervous creeping sensation, kind of like a tingling in my spine, that I got every time Haruhi got some wacky idea in her head. What did she say? ‘I wish everyone else could go through what I have to’? I wonder… Nah… Itzuki’s just crazy. Still… you never know…


[Two]

That afternoon, at the club meeting, Haruhi didn’t show up. As usual, I was the first to arrive – well, except for Yuki, but I’m not entirely sure she ever leaves this room. She gave me a nod, which from her is about the same as getting someone else’s life’s story. After a few minutes Miss Asahina showed up. I left so that she could change into her maid’s outfit (I have no idea why she lets Haruhi make her wear that thing!) When I went back in, she already had the tea ready. I was almost finished with my cup by the time Itzuki arrived.

“No Haruhi today? That’s a surprise.”

I told him there was a note on the desk, apparently from Haruhi. I didn’t open because… well, frankly because I don’t care what it says. I still have no idea why I keep coming to this ridiculous club. Itzuki read the note.

“SOS Brigade Members,

I am not coming to the meeting today, but that doesn’t mean you can go home! Meet without me today, and we’ll have our regular meeting tomorrow.

- Haruhi Suzumiya
- SOS Brigade Chief”

“I wonder why she’s not here?” He asked, putting the note back on the desk.

“Allergies, I guess. She wasn’t feeling to well.” Miss Asahina looked at Itzuki as if I’d said something important. Itzuki just shrugged his shoulders and Yuki never looked up from her book. (She rarely does.)

So after playing a few rounds of Othello, we got ready to go home. Although it was a relatively quiet afternoon without Haruhi, Itzuki finally brought up the question that had been on everyone’s mind. “I wonder if she has anything planned for tomorrow. Kyon, did she say anything to you?”

I answered only that she just said that she wasn’t feeling well, and that just once she’d like everyone to know how she felt. Itzuki gave me a strange look, but I just shrugged my shoulders. What? Would everyone suddenly become bored, haughty and eccentric for a day? Whatever. I’ll let these three worry about whatever Haruhi has planned. As usual, I’ll just be dragged along for the ride. Sometimes I wish my life was normal… but if nothing else hanging around with Haruhi is never boring. It certainly keeps the reflexes sharp.


[Three]

“HAAAARshooo!”

I woke up the next morning with a sneeze. As rare as that was, I was keenly aware of something else – I was going to sneeze again.

“HAAAARshooo! Ha… HAAAAtchoo! Ha… ahhh…. ahHATCH-oo.”

What was that all about? A double was very uncommon for me, but four in a row? Unfortunately I didn’t have much time to ponder. Looking over at my alarm clock I realized that I’d overslept. Crap, I’m late!

Now I had no idea what was going on, but the walk to school was miserable. I couldn’t stop sneezing every few seconds and I felt like a wreck by the time I’d gotten there. What I didn’t notice until I took my seat was that I was apparently not alone. Looking around it seemed like I was sitting in an entire classroom full of sniffly, sneezy classmates. Even the teacher seemed affected. Every couple seconds someone would sneeze, or sniff, or blow there nose. I couldn’t tell you for the life of me what the teacher was lecturing about. Halfway through I think she just gave up. Everybody was in a state of misery. Well… everyone except Haruhi.

Don’t get me wrong. She still issued the occasional sneeze, followed by a hearty sniff and a wipe of her nose on the back of her hand or the cuff of her sleeve, but, while everyone else seemed to be miserable, Haruhi appeared ecstatic.

“Kyon!” Her enthusiasm was almost terrifying.

I looked at her through red, itchy eyes as I wiped my nose on the back of my hand.

“Isn’t it amazing?!”

“Huh?” I sniffed, and it would have been louder than etiquette normally would dictate, except that it could barely be heard over the sound of everyone else doing the same thing.

“What could have caused this? I mean… what could make everyone sick on the same day… all at once?! This is amazing. Maybe it’s some kind of super-bug! Maybe it’s a government weapon! Or maybe aliens have infected us with some kind of extraterrestrial microbe! Or maybe they’ve seeded the world with a new kind of tree that everyone’s allergic too!”

Who’s ‘they?’ Is she still talking about aliens or is she back to the government? “Haruhi… hang on… hah… HAAAARshooo! It’s probably just an outbreak of something that’s going around. Someone probably came to school yesterday with a really contagious cold or flu or some… suh… sah-HAAAAshooo! Something.” Or maybe someone with latent god-like powers made everyone sick or allergic just for their own amusement.

“NO WAY! Nothing could something to be this widespread, so quickly! It just HAS to aliens… or maybe something from the future! Maybe they’re trying to….”

I stopped listening. She’d be on like this until class started, and probably during class as well. (And I’m still not sure who ‘they’ are.) If there was some scenario she could imagine that involved psychics, then every member of our little clique would be represented in her ridiculous fantasy. Well, everyone except me, who represents the mundane everyday occurrences of the real world. I’m sure it would never occur to her that this could just be a really virulent strain of infection, and that maybe we should actually be concerned. Still, I wonder… maybe it would be worth asking Yuki or Miss Asahina about what’s going on. I’d just as soon not deal with Itzuki right now.

“Kyon! Are you listening?!”

Oh boy. No, I wasn’t. I’m in trouble now. “I’m sorry Haruhi. I missed that last part, what did you say?”

“Not ME, you idiot! The teacher just said that since everyone is sick, including the teachers, that classes will be cancelled today!”

“Thank god. Now I can go home and get some…” I felt Haruhi grab the collar of my shirt… too late to brace for impact… she pulled and my chair toppled backwards. I hit my head on the edge of her desk. *WHAM!* “OW!”

“NO WAY! Just because classes are out doesn’t mean that the SOS brigade members are getting off so easy! We got to investigate this! I want you in the club room ASAP!”

Another sneeze stifled my protest. It was a lost cause anyway. Whenever Haruhi gets an idea in her head, resistance is futile. Still… a few minutes in the air conditioned club room might be good before starting the trek home anyway.


[Four]

After class let out, I had no idea where Haruhi went, but wherever it was, she was in a hurry and didn’t have any plans of informing me about it. I shuffled to the club room, feeling miserable, wiping my nose on my sleeve and sneezing every few seconds. At least the club room was air conditioned – although why I thought that would help is beyond me. Why am I assuming that it’s allergies and not a cold or flu or something anyway? I mean… just because it’s weird doesn’t mean it has to be Haruhi’s doing, does it?

“Kyon!” It was Itzuki.

“Hey. *sniff* You don’t look so bad. I though everyone was sick.”

“Well, I figured it would be a bad day for allergies, so I took something before I came to school.”

“You normally have allergies?” I didn’t know that.

“No. It was just something that you said yesterday, when Miss Suzumiya didn’t show for the club meeting. You told us the she said she wanted everyone to feel like she did. You also mentioned that Miss Suzumiya was really being bothered by her allergies yesterday. Based on Miss Suzumiya’s propensity to make things happen, I figured that something like this might happen.”

“You figured all that out just based on what I said at club yesterday?”

“Well… that… and I am psychic.” He flashed what some people might call his ‘winning smile.’ In my sickened state it made me want to punch him.

“And you didn’t think to clue me in on your little brainstorm? *sniff* Thanks, buddy.”

“Oh. I hadn’t thought of that. Sorry!” He put his hand on the back of his head and bowed. “Listen… I’m going to be a few minutes late, but I WILL be make the meeting today, so please let Miss Suzumiya know OK?”

“Oh don’t worry… *sniff* whatever she has planned, I don’t intend to let you miss out on any of the fun.”


[Five]

When I got to the room, Yuki was there by herself. (Does she ever leave?) I noticed right away that she didn’t seem bothered by what whatever was affecting everybody else either. But then, since she wasn’t exactly human, I wasn’t too surprised.

“So, I guess you managed to avoid whatever’s going around?”

“Negative. As I am programmed to blend in with humans in order to facilitate the collection of data, I was affected the same as everyone else.” The monotone she spoke might seem creepy to some, but I found it oddly soothing.

“But you don’t seem to have any symptoms. Did you take something? Some medicine I mean?”

“Negative. As I am not biologically human, what you consider medicinal would have no affect on me.”

“Then how *sniff* are you keeping yourself from… whatever’s going on? Do you actually know what’s going on?”

“According to the data I’ve gathered, there is strong probability that Haruhi Suzumiya has caused all of the humans around her, including at lest everyone at the school, to develop a severe allergy to the pollen in the air this time of year.”

“*sniff* So that’s it. But y-you… hang on… HAAAASHooo! *sniff* you don’t seem affected.”

“Negative.”

“Why not?”

“I am modifying the data of the atmosphere immediately surrounding my vessel to create a small amount of breathable air that is free from irritants.”

“Heh. That’s handy. *sniff* think you could send me some?”

“Negative. Any more dramatic change to the environmental data could have devastating consequences at some point in the future.”

We’ve had this conversation once before, when I wanted her to make it rain in order to cancel a baseball tournament Haruhi got us into. At this point I was willing to chance it, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to persuade her. “Do you know how Haruhi managed to cause this? Are you even sure it was her?”

“The data is insufficient for certainty. It is only the most probable explanation based on available data. As for the method by which this was accomplished, I am still collecting data.”

“Are you counting… how… ha… HAAAATchoo! How many times I’ve sneezed in that data of yours?” I was kidding of course. But with Yuki… you never know.

“You have sneezed exactly 39 times since entering the area of observation. Based on that symptom alone, your level of reaction is 0.6 standard deviations below the mean of all observed subjects.”

*sniff* Was that supposed to make me feel batter? I’d hate to see how someone above the mean was doing. From that point on we sat in silence, something you get used to if you spend any significant amount of time hanging around Yuki, until Miss Asahina arrived. She seemed nervous, like she thought she was late, but also seemed unaffected by whatever had happened to everyone else.

“Oh! Hi Kyon! Hi Yuki! Ummmm… Is Miss Suzumiya not here yet then?”

“Not yet. Say… you seemed to be coping with the situation pretty well.” My god, she was cute.

“Well… ummm… I was briefed about this event, so I was able to… eeep!” She put her hand over her mount as if she had just said something she shouldn’t have. “That’s classified! I’ll make the tea!”

As I went to the door so that she could change into her maid’s outfit, I asked her if, since this was such an important event in history, she knew how long it would last. She just smiled and said: “That’s classified.”

I guess there was no point in asking her why she couldn’t have been bothered to tell me about it ahead of time. I already knew the answer.


[Six]

Once Haruhi arrived, with Itzuki in tow, it’s hard to describe the events that followed. We basically spent several hours, split into groups, going around campus trying to “gather information” or “investigate the mystery.” If you’ve ever spent any time with Haruhi, you’d know that, once she’s in “the zone,” chaos and confusion are the order of the day as her enthusiasm overwhelms what little organizational skills and common sense that she has. Of course she was thoroughly dissatisfied with the small amount of information we were able to get. (As if running around accosting random strangers was any way to investigate something!) What we found out was that the phenomenon was apparently limited to the people in the school and, as everyone from the school went home, except for the SOS Brigade, very few people had any idea what we were talking about. Somehow this was all my fault and, in addition to the nearly perfect misery I was feeling in my nose, I had to put up with Haruhi’s constant verbal abuse as well. Of course, there was no way that Haruhi would have let me stay in the air conditioned club room and risk my doing anything useful like searching for news about what we’re investigating on the web or something sensible like that. Come to think of it, I don’t think she said “bless you” a single time that day either!

This went on until early evening. Yuki, Miss Asahina and Itzuki left for wherever they all call home and I was left walking down the big hill will Haruhi. We stopped (well… she stopped and I took the hint) and sat on a sidewalk bench. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around.

“Kyon?” She asked, in a serious tone that suggested we were about to have an actual conversation. “What do you think happened today? Whatever was going on, it was all over the school but…” She just trailed off.

“I don’t know.” I wasn’t about to give her any of Yuki’s, Itzuki’s or Miss Asahina’s theories. “Probably a really bad 24 hour bug that we all caught, being in such close proximity to one another.”

“Hmmmm. I feel kind of bad. Usually I’m the only one getting… sick this time of year. At first I was so fascinated by what was going on. It really felt like something… interesting might have happened. And I… huh… well I hate to admit it but a small part of me was kind of happy not to be the only one suffering for a change.”

She looked at me. I wasn’t aware of it, but my expression must have looked judgmental.

“What I mean is,” she continued quickly. “It was good not to feel so… *sniff* alone.”

“Hmmm. I guess I can understand that. I hope everything’s back to normal tomorrow.”

“Yeah… me too.” (That was a relief!) “I was glad that everyone else got to see what I go though… but seeing everyone like that… I just felt really… sorry for them.”

Wait a sec… ‘Everyone?’ Everyone got to go home early. And ‘everyone’ she was hanging around with all day was fine. Everyone but me anyway!

“Ha…ru…hi… hang on… haaAARSHOO!” It’s too bad Yuki wasn’t around. I was curious to know if I’d topped a hundred yet. “I’m sure people are more sympathetic towards you than you think. You’re just always so strong, and a bit hard-headed.” I didn’t exactly like the look she was giving me, but there was a bit of a concession in it. “What I mean is that you pretty much always follow your own path. You follow your heart. And you do it with such strength and enthusiasm that some people might find it a little bit… intimidating. *sniff* You’ve got friends though, you know. And people who care about you.” That sounded sappy, but at times like these (which were rare) sappy sometimes went over well with her. Would she realize that I was trying to say that I cared?

“*sniff* Thanks Kyon. And bless you. Hey, by the way… I’ve got one pill left. I’m supposed to take it in a little while but... Would… you want it instead?”

“Huh?” That was a surprise. “Do they work?”

“Not really. They don’t do much for the sneezing, just the congestion. And the headache, if you’ve got one.”

“All right. Thanks. What about you?”

“I’ll be all right. They don’t really seem to help anyway. Besides, like you said, everything will be back to normal tomorrow right?”

“After all that’s happened? I think everything is going to be fine.” I took the pill, grateful to get some relief and we walked the rest of the way home sharing a very comfortable silence.