Aces and Eights

Original story by Niceguy




“Ehh… hah… HeeeehhhhTHCHOO!” Brigid sneezed for what seemed like the hundredth time that night.

“Bless you, darlin’.” James said, offering her another tissue. His voice had the slightest hint of femininity to it. Brigid had no idea why he insisted on handing her the tissues, but she didn’t mind the attention,

“*sniff* Thanks.” She said, before deciding to match the bet. “*sniff* Call.”

“The cat’s really bothering you, huh sweetie?” Jake was concerned about his girlfriend, but he knew the feisty red-head well enough not to push the issue too much.

“*sniff* I’m f-fine. Now call.” She answered impatiently.

“Two pair.” Jake threw in. She looked at Bill.

Bill took another pull on his cigar and exhaled. “Well your allergies don’t seem to be affecting your game much. Two pair, Ace-high.” Bill had never been supportive of the idea of letting a woman join their poker group, and after she cleaned them out each of the last two games, he was even less crazy about the idea now. He was one of the better players in the group, but she clearly outclassed him.

James had already folded, so that left Logan, the only player in the group Brigid had a hard time figuring out. Bill talked too much, James was a completely non-aggressive player and her boyfriend, Jake, bless his heart, just had no clue. But Logan played everything close. She got the feeling that he was the ringer of the group, before she came along anyway.

“Nothing. Congrat’s, you caught me bluffing. Though I have no ides what these two were figuring.”

“I though you both were.” Bill said, looking at Jake.

“Two pair wouldn’t do it, huh?” Jake asked, realizing he was probably over-extended.

“You put twenty down on two pair?” Bill was stunned. “My god man, at least say you thought they were bluffing if you go that far out!”

“Well…” Jake started before Brigid brought the hand to a close.

“You were $20 out on two-pair all the same, Bill. Flush. *sniff* oh man, heh… hah... heeeATCH-oo!” James blessed her and handed her another tissue. She blew her nose and collected her chips. “Logan’s deal.”

“I’m sorry, darlin’. Maybe we should take my place out of the rotation if the cat bothers you that much.”

“*sniff* Really, I’m fine. *sniff* Logan’s deal.”

“No, way. If she can’t cope with it, she can sit out those nights!” Bill retorted.

“Wow, *sniff* you seem extra sensitive tonight, Bill. *sniff* Is it just playing with a woman, or being beaten so badly by one that bothers you so much?”

“Humph” Bill grunted before finishing his last sip of Scotch and going back to his cigar.

“Well, before Logan deals, anyone for one last round before we start the final hand?” James said as he got up and poured himself the last of the Merlot.

“Why not. One more beer, please.” Jake answered. He figured if he was losing money anyway he might as well get some free beer out of it.

“Yeah, *sniff* I’ll have one more.” Brigid was cleaning up again tonight, despite the distraction of a runny nose and having to sneeze every few moments because of James’ cat.

“I’m good.” Logan said, shooting down the last of his beer.

After everyone else had their drink refilled, Logan picked up the deck. The first thing he did was to pull out the two Jokers. Knowing that Logan had an affinity for wild cards, this surprised Brigid. She wondered what he was up to.

“OK,” Logan started coolly, “It’ll just be a simple 5-card draw, but with one twist…” He looked around; making eye contact with each player to make sure they were paying attention. They all seemed like they were on the edge of their seats. Logan always managed to come up with at least one really cool new variation each game, but so far he had been going with the old standards. “The Wild Card will start out at twos and go up by one every time Brigid sneezes.”

The reaction for the group was loud and chaotic. Bill almost choked on his Scotch.

“Interesting.” James replied

“No way! You’re giving the best player at the table control over the wild card?!” Bill roared.

“I wouldn’t say she’d have control over it. If she could suddenly stop, don’t you think she’d done so by now?” Logan asked, with a slightly amused look on his face.

“But, *sniff* w-wait, I-I… heh… heeeAHTCHOO! *sniff*.”

“Here you go darlin’.” James handed her another tissue. “Well, let’s vote, shall we? I’m fine with it.”

“As am I.” Logan followed, to no one’s surprised.

“I don’t know…” Jake started, feeling that his girlfriend’s suffering was somehow being exploited, but Brigid interrupted.

“*sniff* Fine. I’m fine with it, so it’s settled.”

“I’m out.” Bill said gruffly.

“You know the rules,” Logan reprimanded, “No one’s out until they ante up.”

Bill threw in his chip and reluctantly accepted his hand.

Logan dealt and the players picked up their cards.

Bill, sitting next to Logan, was the first to pick up: The Two and Five of Diamonds, the Six of Spades and the King and Queen of Clubs. “Shit. Three.” He threw in his cards, keeping the King and Queen.

Jake was next. He had a pair of Fours (clubs and spades), the Three of Hearts, the Jack of Clubs and the Ace of Diamonds. “Three.” He said, hoping to build on the pair.



James sighed. The Two of Spades, Four of Clubs, Six of Hearts, Seven of Diamonds and the Nine of clubs. Disgusted with his prospects he kept only his high card. “Four.”

Like Jake, Logan was also looking at a pair - of threes, Clubs and Diamonds. He took the Eight of Spades, and the Ten and Queen of Diamonds, and threw them in. “And I’ll take three.”

Before anyone had the chance to pick up, Brigid sneezed again. As James handed her another tissue, Logan made a referee’s call. “That doesn’t count. The wild card is still twos until everyone picks up. So pick ‘em up and the next one’s for real.”

Bill grumbled, still not crazy about Logan’s idea for the hand. He looked at his new hand and weighed the possibilities: His pair of twos was now joined by the Five, Queen and King of Clubs. He saw a couple potential three-of-a-kinds and, as it stood now, he had a flush. He liked that well enough, but didn’t like the pair of twos he’d constantly be just one sneeze away from. “One dollar.”

“That’s it, huh?” Jake asked, smiling as looked at his had.

“Haaah… TCHOO!” Brigid sneezed.

“Now you know why! AND THAT WAS FAKE!”

“*sniff* It was not!” Brigid answered incredulously; shocked that even Bill would make such a bold accusation.

“Now Bill, you can’t just…” James started as he handed her another tissue

“Like hell! This is what I was talking about! She…”

“Tell you what, Bill, *sniff* how about next I hit you with the spray, so you can vouch for their authenticity.”

Looking around the table and seeing that the rest of the players were against him, he backed down. “That’s all right. I’ll be good.”

"OK then…” Jake figured it would be wise to get the game going again. As bad a player as he was, he figured that Bill had just lost a decent hand. He looked at his own: His pair of fours was joined by a pair of sixes, Diamonds and clubs, and the Queen of Spades. He didn’t have a wild card yet, but seeing as he was a sneeze away from four of a kind, he saw the bet. “I’ll see your buck…”

“Hahhh… HAAATCH-ooo! *sniff*” James handed her a tissue as Jake continued his bet, now holding four of a kind.

“And raise you three.” He smiled. But he was soon regretting his bet as another sneeze knocked him back down to two pairs – the same hand he’d just lost $20 on.

“HeeeAAAHHHH-tchoo! *sniff* What are we up to Logan?”

“Fives.” Logan smiled, despite the fact that his growing erection that was making him slightly uncomfortable. He’d always been rather jealous of Jake. He’d had the worst crush on Brigid ever since they first met. It grew when he learned what a strong, outspoken woman she was and more so when he learned that she played poker, and well. He didn’t know she was allergic to cats, and no one else knew of his fetish, but he was really enjoying this hand and planned to raise, every chance he got, regardless of what he had.

Brigid looked down. Fives being wild gave her a strait. There was also a possible flush, but otherwise she had the occasional pair and a whole lot of nothing. But thinking that Bill would enjoy it way too much if she dropped out early, she stayed in. “I’ll see the three and raise wah.. one… HAAAHtchoo! Hah… HATCHOO! Damn!”

“Seven’s hmm?” James verified, looking at his hand: He’d gotten another Nine, of Hearts, and the Seven of Clubs, Ten of Hearts and King of Diamonds. He noticed Jake perk up after the first sneezed, and saw him deflate just as much after the second. He was looking a three of kind now, and while he wasn’t crazy about the hand overall, seeing only a few potential three-of-a-kinds and otherwise just a pair of nines, he thought he might get lucky, seeing as how everyone else was also capable of coming up with a bum hand. “I’ll see your four, darlin’.”

Logan did get another three (Spades) along with the Eight and Ace of Hearts. Overall he felt pretty good about things. He threw in his four, and held another four in his hand over the pot as he looked over at Brigid. He thought he saw her eyes narrow slightly.

“Wha… Wh-What is it?”

“Cat sure sheds a lot, huh?”

“*sniff* Just bet, Logan.”

“You OK?”

“*sniff* J-Just… b-bet… heh... *sniff* hah… HEEATCH-hoo!”

“Raise four!” He smiled, now sitting on four of a kind, with eights wild. “The bet’s eight Bill. You in?”

Brigid sneezed twice more as Bill mulled things over. Tens being wild left him with just a pair, but he was five sneezes away from a flush, and he figured there was still some time. Throwing caution the wind he put in. “Seven meets, raise one. Jake?”

Jake still had his two pair, but looked over at Brigid.

“*sniff* oh God… *sniff* I swear it’s getting worse… hah… haaaAAATCH-hoo! *sniff* man!”

Jacks wild didn’t help, but he’d have a Full House if she sneezed again. “Five meets, raise two. The bet’s eleven. You in sweetie?”

Brigid now had her flush, but she felt another sneeze coming. ‘Damn my nose and damn that cat!’ she thought. She put in her seven to meet and was about to raise four, but hesitated as she wondered how long she could hold this one in.

“You OK there?” Bill leaned forward, blowing his cigar smoke at her.

“Oh puh-lease, Bill! You think I could spend so much of my y-youth in a pool halls if I was bothered by a little s-smoke?”

“So what’s it going to be? Call or raise?”

“Rai.. Rai… Raise… hah… HAAAHTCHOO! DAMN!” She sneezed just as she dropped her four, raising the bet to fifteen, and turning her flush into Jack-high. Jake seemed pleased with himself now that, with Queens wild, he was sitting on a full house.

James met and raised one, hoping for another sneeze to turn his pair into three of a kind. Bigid’s nose soon obliged and he handed her another tissue. “King’s now. And the bet stands at fifteen. Logan?”

Logan looked down. One sneeze or three would give him four of a kind, with Aces or Threes wild. Mentally he crossed his fingered, threw in his eight to meet, and looked at Bill.

“I still say this is bullshit.”

“HAAAATCH-hoo!”

“Oh! Wait! Meet!” Bill said, sounding happy. Twos wild gave him back his Flush.

“Haah… haaaathc-HOO!”

“DAMN!” Bill roared, now looking at pair of two’s.

Jake wasn’t too happy with his two pairs, but he hoped for one more sneeze to give him four of a kind with fours wild. With only Brigid left to bet he’d figured he could time it right if he ended it quickly. He met the bet and looked at Brigid.

“Haah… Hutch-HOOO! Oh boy. *sniff* let’s see…” with fours wild, she had nothing. Her nose still itched, but she had to buy some time if she was going to sneeze again and make the Flush. “I don’t know…”

“Come on! This is what I was talking about!” Bill roared. She loved that this was burning him up so much

“Just take your time.” Logan said calmly. He was staring at her intently, grateful that studying someone’s face so closely was perfectly acceptable behavior in poker. He could see her nostrils twitch and her eyelids flutter. He hung on every hitched breath. He knew what she was doing but he didn’t care. The show was well worth the money.

“I th-think… I’ll… hah… “

“Give me a break.” Bill snorted under his breath.

“HAAAT-CHOO! CALL!” She yelled, slamming down her dollar to meet and as soon as Logan said, “Show em,” her allergies finally overtook her.

“Hatch-hoo! HEEATCH-hooh! Ha… HaAAHH-tchoo! *sniff* Oh man!” She sneezed several more times as James handed her tissues.

“The wild card ended up on five.” Logan called. “Show your cards gentlemen!” He looked over at James, who had just handed Brigid the last of the tissues.

“Pair of nines, I’m afraid.” He said, knowing that wouldn’t beat what ever Brigid had.

“Well, I’ve gotcha Jimmy.” Logan stated. “Three threes.”

“GODDAMNIT!” Bill yelled, slamming down the three twos he had with fives being wild.

“Two-pair,” Jake shrugged, smiling. “My lucky hand all night, I guess.”

“*sniff* Read em and weep, boys! *sniff* Strait, to the Jack.

As she reeled in her bounty, she looked up at James. “Hon, I hope you don’t mind if I don’t stay to help you clean up but, *sniff* that being the last hand and all, and *sniff* seeing as you’re out of tissues, I’m really ready to be heading home now.”

“No problem darling’. You drive safe now, Jake, ya hear?”

“Thanks, I will.”

Bill grumbled ‘G-Bye’ and Logan walked them to the door. In his mind, he was trying to figure out he could make James’ place come up more often in their little group’s rotation.