Pool, Poker and Players

Original story by Niceguy
(This is a prequel to Aces and Eights.)


In a smokey bar, two friends debated politics over the sound of pool balls being racked up and broken.

“And you wanna end up paying more in taxes?” Bill yelled before taking another sip of his scotch.

“I fail to see how the two are related. I just don’t think we’re going to get what we need with McCain…” Jake tried to reason.

“OK, first, you known I’m no McCain booster… But the Democrats WILL raise taxes – you KNOW this! And I don’t know why you even care about Global Warming or Gay Marriage… You’re NOT even gay, and your great grandchildren will be DEAD before there’s any real climate change, even assuming that Al Gore’s little minions aren’t completely full of hooey!”

“Now hang on a second! First of all…” But Jake trailed off, his eye catching something (someone, actually) on the other side of the bar, playing pool. “Hang… on… a….second…”

“Yeah, you just said that… huh?” Bill followed Jake’s glance. “Forget it my friend. She’s way out of your league. So why don’t you move over and let the big boy here give it a try.” He patted Jake’s chest as he got up an made his way over the pool table.

Jake was barely of aware of what had just happened, but Bill was now clearly in front of him in line. He watched as his friend went over to the tall redhead who was racking up another game at the pool table after (apparently) hustling the last guy there. From Jake’s vantage point at the bar, it seemed Bill was going to play a few rounds with her. Now he was laughing as she held up some money. Was he going to make a bet? “Be careful Bill,” Jake thought, “Your old fashioned, manly-man attitude is going to get you into trouble one of these days.”

After losing the first round, it looked like he said something that got the breezy pool-girl upset. Jake never did hear what it was, but for the next two games, all pretenses were gone. The red-head absolutely mopped the floor with him. He paid up and came back to the bar.

“She's all yours buddy… But she’ll eat you alive.” He tossed his last 10-spot to Jake and left. It wasn’t enough by half to cover his part of the tab, but Jake just shrugged and paid up. They were celebrating his getting a new job anyway. Before heading home, he figured he’d take a good crack at the auburn tomboy that had so captivated him.

“Sorry about my friend. He’s a little bit…”

“Of a sexist pig?” She answered sharply. “Well, at least he paid up.”

“Well, sort of…” Jake laughed. “You cleaned him out and he stiffed me on the tab.”

“And you want some money back?” She answered, with a frightening gleam in her eye as she started to rack up again.

“Oh no…” Jake took a step back waving his hands, knowing a poisonous trap when he saw one. “I’m not much of a pool player. I just wanted to come meet the woman who finally put him in his place. Bill’s a pretty good player, so… you must be pretty good then.”

“He’s alright. Above average but nothing special though. My name’s Brigid by the way.”

“Then I guess he plays pool about as well as he debates politics!” Jake laughed. “Mine’s Jake.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you.”

“Would you… uh… like me to walk you home?”

She was an inch away for declaring that she hardly needed an escort, but then realized that this guy was not the chauvinistic blowhard she just hustled out of a C-Bill. So she decided she could use the company after all. “Sure.”

As they walked home, Jake was surprised how well they’d hit it off. Jake always had an affinity for strong, independent women and Brigid liked the fact that he appreciated that aspect of her. It was far more common for men to flee from her in terror. (Of course, most of the men she talked to she ended up conning into a high-stakes pool game, which might explain a lot of it.) But she got a strong sense that this little man with the quiet demeanor and fairly unremarkable appearance had a very strong character. He seemed… solid somehow, like the kind of guy you could really depend on. In her experience this was a fairly uncommon trait in men.

When they reached her apartment building, Jake, feeling as though they were hitting it off pretty well, thought he’d press his luck just a bit further. “I… uh… don’t suppose you like to have dinner with me? Tomorrow night maybe?” Whoops. He hadn’t meant to make it so soon. Did he sound desperate?

She looked at him (more like through him, actually) with piercing green eyes for a few moments before saying. “Sure. Tomorrow would be fine. 8:00 then?”

“Eight… yeah … I’ll see you then!”

“I look forward to it.” And, almost to her surprise, she found that she really did.
__________________________________________________

The following evening she found herself standing outside of Jake’s apartment, reading a note that was taped to the door. “If he even thinks of standing me up…” She thought, feeling both angry and disappointed. She unfolded the note and read it.

“Brigid,

I’m SO SORRY, but I’m going to be late. I’m taking Bill to the hospital (his appendix.) Mrs. Lacey in 205 has a key and will let you in. Make yourself at home and I’ll be back ASAP.

SORRY!
Jake”

Although she felt a bit awkward and even considered just calling it off and going home, she knocked on the door to 205 and got Jake’s key from a kind old lady who commented on “what a pretty friend Jacob had” and went to “make herself at home” in Jake’s apartment.
________________________________________________

She had to admit he had a pretty nice place. After looking around a bit, not enough to be nosey, but just to figure out where things were, she made herself a drink and started to look though the DVD’s on the shelf, trying to find something to pass the time while she waited. As she did this, she started to notice her nose growing really itchy and starting to run a little. She sniffed strongly and turned to go look for a tissue or grab some toilet paper when she almost tripped over something. Looking down she saw that a cat had crept up behind her and started rubbing its head against her leg just as she stepped away from the shelf.

“*sniff* Well hello there! *sniff*” she said, looking at the cat through eyes that were already starting to fill with tears. “So he has a cat, huh? Well, I guess this little fling’s not gonna last long. *sniff*.” She laughed to herself as she went to look for some tissues, hoping that her date was not going to keep her waiting for long.

“hah… haaaAAAAAHHHSOOO! *sniff* Oh my god… Need tissues…” She went from room to room and even checked the closets but to no avail. The cat seemed intent to follow here everywhere which, if it were happening to anyone else, she would have found a bit amusing. Her nose was getting very runny now, and judging from her vision, now obscured by her watery eyes, she was pretty sure her makeup looked frightful at this point.

“haaaAAAAHHHTCHOO-oo! Oh… *sniff*… Ok… *sniff* toilet paper then. And YOU stay out!” she said to the cat, keeping it at bay with her foot as she closed the bathroom door.

Sitting on the toilet seat, she blew her nose, which brought on several more sneezes. Blowing her nose again, she wondered if it would be worth waiting for him after all. She was very allergic to cats, and medicine rarely helped. She contemplated a future of chronic sneezing, a constantly runny nose and itchy eyes, and just when she decided that she’d better quit before the prospect seemed liked a reasonable trade off, she heard a knock at the door.

She left the bathroom and started down the hall. She tried to yell out “Hang on, I’m coming,” but the cat, and its dander, had other ideas.

“Ha-hang… on…. I… Ha… haaaAAASSSHOOO! *sniff* huh… I’m coming!”

She sneezed again in the crook of her elbow as she opened the door. It was Jake.

“Hi. I’m sorry to make you wait like this.”

“It’s… OK… hah… aaaAAATCHH-hoo.”

“Bless you.”

“Thanks. Say, why exactly did you need… hold on, gotta sneeze… haaaah… haaaAAASSSHOOO! Sorry. Why did you need to knock on your own apartment door?”

“Bless you again! Well, I uh, kinda left you my only key.”

She laughed. “Well, it's a good thing I waited. If I’d left you’d have been locked out. Hah… Haaah… haaaAAAAHHHTCHOO-oo! Oh… *sniff*”

“Wow, bless you again. Are you, uh, feeling OK.”

“Well, *sniff* now that you mentioned no, not really. You see I’m very al… aahhh…. aaaAAATCHHOOO! VERY, allergic to cats. So, uh if you don’t mind, maybe we could get going then?”

“Uh, yeah, sure let’s go. Sorry to, uh, put you through that.”

“It’s OK, let’s just go. Oh but could you do me one favor and grab me some tissues?” She asked, rubbing her nose with her index finger.

“Sure.” Jake said with a smile, going back in to get some while she waited in the hall.
_______________________________________

She enjoyed herself at dinner, and was happy to learn that cat was not, in fact, Jake’s but that he was minding it for a friend while his apartment had some remodeling done in it. She was relieved to hear this since she was having a good time and had already decided that they would be seeing each other again. All the same, her nose was still a little runny even by the end of the meal, and she had just about depleted her supply of tissues.

After dinner, they took a walk around the downtown area for a while, stopping to get some ice cream for dessert, window shopping and just getting to know one another. After walking for an hour that seemed a lot shorter, they ran into a couple a friends of Jake’s.

“Hey guys! Brigid, these guys are a couple of friends of mine and Bill’s. This is Logan and James. Guys this is my date, Brigid”

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you, darling!” James said excitedly, in an effete drawl which immediately piqued Brigid’s curiosity as to his sexual orientation.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Logan said, a sly, lopsided grin creeping across his face as he gazed at her with his deep brown eyes. If Brigid had not been thinking about Jake or Jake was more in tune to these kinds of things, it would have seemed apparent to either that Logan had become rather infatuated with the lithe redhead. As much as he was struck by how beautiful that she was his attention was drawn to some rather specific details that he almost never failed notice. He could see the tinges of redness around her nose and eyes. He could here that here voice was a little stuffy, and from her breathing that she had a runny nose. He would bet that she had allergies of some kind, and he would bet that they had been bothering her recently. He always noticed these kinds of things, because women’s sneezing was a HUGE turn on for him. ‘Lucky bastard’ he thought about Jake, not unkindly, smiling on the inside at the good fortune he knew his friend would never appreciate. After a short but polite chat, Jake and Brigid continued on there way, as James and Logan continued in the opposite direction, the way they had been headed.

“They seem nice.” Brigid offered.

“Yeah, not a bad bunch of guys. Logan’s a much better pool played than Bill, by the way.”

“Yeah, and uh… James. Is he…?”

“Nah, he doesn’t really play pool much. About as much a player as I am.”

If she’d been drinking a drink, she would have choked on it. She wasn’t sure what made her laugh more, the fact that he totally missed the point, or his answer, which was unintentionally hilarious in the context of her actual question.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. Never mind.” She laughed.

“He’s a pretty good poker player too. Logan, that is. Well, Bill too.”

“You don’t say?”

“Yeah, we had a regular game set up. Well, we still do in fact, except that our fifth player dropped out. Hey… I don’t suppose, I mean I’d hafta ask the guys but… you don’t happen to play poker do you?”

“I’ve played a little.” She answered coyly as they strolled back to his apartment. She looked forward to beating that chauvinistic blowhard Bill at something else he fancied himself an expert at, once he was out of the hospital anyway. They continued the rest of the way back to Jake’s apartment in silence. She decided not to go up with him, as much because of the cat as the fact that she planned on seeing him again.

Guest (Ai Yori Aoshi)

An Ai Yori Aoshi Fanfic
Setting and all non-original characters are property of Kou Fumizuki


Friday's classes were finally over and Kaoru was exhausted. After attending two full lectures, he had an exam that he had stayed up late the night before studying for. And being low on cash, he decided not to take the bus. As slow as he was moving he would have missed it anyway. He had a long walk, and no energy left after such a long day. It was only the thought of his land-lady (who secretly was also his fiancé) Aoi Sakuraba's cooking dinner that night that kept him going. Just the smell of her artful cooking could wake a man from a coma. As Karou reached the edge of campus he received a pleasant surprise: Aoi was waiting for him.

"Kaoru-sama! I knew you were going to have a rough day so I thought I'd walk home with you!"

"Aoi-chan! Oh boy, are you a sight for sore eyes… Wow! You look… beautiful!" Aoi was wearing one of the indigo kimonos that she typically wore, but the sight of her graceful femininity still took Kaoru's breath away. "You're lucky – I was almost going to take the bus!"

"It's OK. I came early, so I could have ridden with you as well."

"How long have you been here?"

"About half an hour. I got dinner prepared early, so all I'll have to do is heat it up." As bad as it felt to admit it Kaoru was a bit relieved at hearing this. If she had been waiting here much longer, it would have meant that their housekeeper, his fellow classmate Taeko Minazuki, would have been left to do the cooking... And her cooking was about as bad as Aoi's was good. Taeko was gaining confidence in her abilities, but the tenants felt that any confidence she had in her culinary skill was almost entirely unwarranted.

"That's a relief!" Kaoru joked "For a minute there I thought you left Taeko in charge of dinner! That chocolate & daikon champloo she made last week almost killed us!" They both had a hearty, yet innocent laugh at poor Taeko, even though she did always try to do her best.

After passing a few blocks they happened to cross paths with a rather large cat. From it's markings and apparent good health it was obviously not a stray, so Aoi stopped to pet it. "Are you lost Mister Cat?" The cat took right to Aoi petting and purred as if it were home in its owner's lap.

"Does it live around here?" Karou asked.

"Let's see…" Aoi checked the collar, further evidence that it was no stray. "His name is Neco-chan. He lives at… Oh my! No – his home is not even in this part of town! Oh that's awful! The poor thing! Kaoru-sama, we must help him!" Kaoru agreed. They had a pet ferret back at the house, which belonged to Tina Foster, one of the other tenants, and he knew they would feel pretty bad if they ever lost him.

"If there a phone number?" Kaoru asked. "Let's call and see if they know they're cat's missing."

"You have reached the Takahata residence. We are in Kyoto at present and will return on Sunday the…" At the beep, Kaoru left a message saying that their cat got out, but was safe, and that he would call back on Sunday to arrange its return.

"Well… we'll have to hang onto him for tonight and tomorrow. They won't be back until Sunday. Is that OK, Aoi-chan?"

"Of course Kaoru-sama!" Aoi replied cheerfully. "Who knows – maybe someone will do the same for us one day! Besides it really shouldn't be any trouble at all!"

___________________________________

As Aoi and Kaoru walked home, Taeko Minazuki was finishing up her chores for the day. In exchange for housework, Taeko was allowed to stay at the Sakoraba's huge summer home rent-free. Although she was rather clumsy, and spent at least half the time cleaning up messes that she herself created, she was grateful for the arrangement as she had been fired from her previous housekeeping job and didn't have the money or prospects to afford rent at any place closer to school. Although she attended the same school as Kaoru, she was a year behind him and did not have classes on Friday, thus Friday was her day to get caught up with he chores. She had just finished folding the last of the towels, and was perched precariously on the top of a short step-stool, struggling to reach the top shelf where they kept them.

At that moment the other tenant, Tina Foster, an American who had spent almost all of her life in Japan, was sneaking up behind her, bent on making some mischief. "TAAAAE-KOOOO!" She called out in her typical, boisterous manner.

"Oh Miss Tina! You frightened me! I… MISS TINA!" Before Taeko even had a chance to turn around, Tina snuck up behind her and, reaching under Taeko's outstretched arms, firmly grabbed both of Taeko's rather large breasts in her hands.

"Wow, Tae!"

"Miss Tina, please…" Taeko begged, helpless in her position to do anything but bear it.

"Man! For a Japanese girl, you sure got some really big boobies!" Tina laughed wildly, fondling Taeko the entire time.

"Miss Tina… Please stop!" Tina was now alternating between squeezing Taeko's left breast, then her right. Taeko could barely keep the towels together, her glasses clinging to the tip of her nose. "Miss Tina, that tickles! Please stop… I'm going to… faaaaaall!"

*CRASH*

Taeko fell from the stool, scattering the stack of towels and, rather awkwardly, landing on Tina.

"Damn, Tae!" Tina gasped from underneath Taeko. "You must like your cooking a lot more than we do!" Tina was not laughing anymore with Taeko on top of her. While her name, Taeko, might mean "delicate child" the buxom maid wasn't exactly what anyone in their right mind would call "dainty."

"Tina! That was mean! I…"

"A-HEM!" It was the property manager, Miyabi Kagurazaki, a rather stern and severe woman, who had little patience for Taeko and even less for Tina.

"MISS MINAZUKI! MISS FOSTER! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS INTERUPTION?!"

Tina just looked down. She hadn't wanted to get Taeko in trouble with her boss. Taeko started to apologize, buy Miyabi stopped her.

"I think I understand what happened here Miss Minazuki. Just pick everything up and you can call it a day. No harm done – since you did already clean the floor… correct?"

"Yes Miss Manager." Taeko breathed a sigh of relief – she had cleaned the floor right before she started folding the towels.

"AS FOR YOU...!" Miaybi pinched Tina on her cheek and dragged her from the room.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OK, MISS MANAGER! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

___________________________________

"We're back!" Kaoru called out. "Where is everybody?"

"Miss Landlord's back! Let's eat, I'm starving!" As usually the most enthusiastic welcome came from Tina whose mind was on food rather than company.

Taeko arrived shortly after Tina, and had changed from her maid's uniform into a much more comfortable and casual sweatsuit. "Welcome back! Oh my! What a cute little cat!"

Miyabi was still in the hall when she overheard Taeko. "Cat?" She thought to herself, with more than a little panic. "Oh no!" She was incredibly allergic to cats, and was desperately hoping that Aoi had not decided to get a pet without consulting her.

"It escaped from its home and its owners are out of town." Aoi told the two girls. "They'll be back on Sunday, so we're going to watch it until then. Is that OK with everyone? We're going to keep it in Kaoru's room for now, until we know whether it will get along with Uzume." Uzume was Tina's pet ferret who, while they tried to keep him in Tina's room, pretty much had the run of the house. "Well, I'm going to heat up the Ramen. Dinner will ready in twenty minutes!" Aoi went cheerfully to the kitchen, while Kaoru let Tina and Taeko pet the new arrival before taking it back to his room.

"OK," thought Miyabi, somewhat relieved. "It will be gone the day after tomorrow and stuck in Kaoru's room tonight." Not wanting to disappoint Lady Aoi, Miyabi walked back to her office and began rummaging through her desk.

"Now… Where is it? Where are they…? Ah! Here we go!" She pulled out a small silk bag that had three large, red pills in it – all that was left of her Super-Strength Allergy Medicine. She used to take it back in college when her roommate took in a stray. They were old, and probably outdated, but she had used them sparingly over the years and they still packed a punch. "Only three left. Oh well. I'll have to go to the store tomorrow, but they'll do for now." She took one, and sat down to finish some paperwork before dinner. Within minutes she was out cold, fast asleep, and snoring rather loudly.

As Aoi got the Ramen hot, Tina and Taeko took turns petting the cat. "Awww… It's soooo cute!" cried Tina "I wish we could keep it!"

"Well it probably misses it's home, Tina…" Answered Taeko. "It's pro… pro… Haaaawt-CHEW!!!" Taeko sneezed violently.

"Are you OK Taeko-chan?" Kaoru asked, sounding concerned.

"Someone must be talking about me!" Taeko answered cheerfully. Kaoru left to take the cat to his room.

At dinner, everyone noticed the absence of the manager, but Aoi informed them that Miyabi had fallen asleep at her desk and that, rather than wake her, she would keep some food warm for her, for later.

___________________________________

The next morning Taeko was busy as usual. She hadn't seen the manager all morning, or any of the other tenants for that matter, so she assumed they were out on errands or just enjoying their Saturday. She envied them, and felt a little lonely.

"Meow…"

"Oh! Hello there Neko-chan! I guess you're getting along with Uzume then? Well, maybe you can keep me company!"

At present Taeko was dusting one of the unused bedrooms, one that had been neglected for some time. Although she could not really give the cat any attention, Neco-chan seemed content to just watch her work. The window was open, but a lot of dust still seemed to hang in the air. Normally that didn't bother Taeko, but her nose was starting to get really itchy.

"Haaaaaw-SHEW! Oh my! I guess someone is talking about me aah … gain HAAAAAAW-shew!!!" Without thinking, Taeko had snatched up her apron and sneezed right into it. After Taeko's second window-rattling sneeze Neco-chan ran from the room.

"Oh no… And I just washed that too! Aaaw." There was no hiding the very obvious wet spot on the front of her apron. "I better take a break," Taeko sighed, "I need a breather."

Taking a walk outside, to get some fresh air, Taeko ran into Aoi. "Oh! Miss Landlord… Hello!" Although everyone in the house had become close friends, for some reason Taeko still seemed nervous around Aoi and Miyabi.

"Are you feeling OK Taeko-chan? You don't sound too good… Miss Taeko... Have you been… crying?"

Taeko wiped her eyes which, to her complete surprise, had gotten very watery. "What?! No! I'm fine! Really! It's just the duh… duh… ah… DUST. I was cleaning the spare bedrube and…" Taeko was just now realizing how congested she felt.

"Well you sound like you're coming down with something." Aoi said, showing her typical care and genuine concern, and putting her hand to Taeko's forehead. "I'm going to ask Miss Miyabi-san if you can have the afternoon…"

"NO!" Taeko interrupted. In truth she was terrified of how the manager would respond to a request like that. She needed the job, and insisted on toughing it out, even if she did have a cold. Besides, she assured Aoi, she was positive that there was just more dust than usual, and for some reason it had just somehow gotten to her today.

___________________________________

After finishing the spare room, Taeko blew her nose rather heartily. It turned out she was quite congested and she was amazed at the number of tissues she went through. Once she felt cleared up, she went to get the wash started.

As she loaded the washer, Neco-chan again joined her in the laundry room. "Hello," Taeko said cheerfully, "Have you come to watch me do the wash now?" The cat jumped up on the shelf, just across the washer from Taeko. "Well… you'll get a good view from there! Just don't fall in!" Taeko considered the irony of this statement since it was coming from someone who "fell in" rather often, metaphorically speaking.

As she loaded the laundry, she noticed that the tickle came back to her nose. As she went on it became quite itchy and she was forced to load laundry with one hand while she rubbed her nose with the other.

"Oh boy!" She said to herself, vigorously rubbing her nose with her index finger. "I feel all tickly and sneezy again. I … ah… HYYYAAAAH-shoo! She had sneezed right into one of Tina's shirts. "Oh well," she thought to herself, "At least I'm about to wash it!" Then, thinking that Tina had it coming anyway, Taeko blew her nose into the garment.

"Oh gross!" Her nose was now getting very runny, and this blow was at least as wet as any of the ones before with the tissues. What she had just done struck her as rather amusing and started to laugh when she was shaken by another sneeze.

"HYYYYYAAAAAH-shooo! Hya.. ahhh… HYYAAAAH-choo! Oh my." She blew her nose into Tina's shirt again and put it in the washer. Suddenly a thought struck her. "Wait a minute…"

Tentatively, she picked up Neco-chan and brought him closer to her. Nothing so far. A little closer… Good… She bent her head over and nuzzled the top of head with her nose. Immediately it felt as though fireworks were going of inside her face.

"Oh! Ah.! HYAAAAATHCOO! Oh my! HEEEEE-AAAAH-SHOO! Oh, no! Mister Neco-chan I… I… IAYYYAAAHSHOOOO! I think I'm aller.. aller… all…AAAAHHH-SHOO! Allergictoyou!" She put the cat down on the laundry pile, and proceeded to sneeze repeatedly and uncontrollably.

"HYYYAAAHHHSHOO! AAAAHH-SHHOOO! Heh… Heh… HEEEEEYYYAAAAHSOOO!" The force of the third sneeze was enough to unsnap the clasp in the front of her bra. "Oh dear! My… my… HAAAAEEEEYYYASHOOO!" The 2^nd button on her blouse snapped off. The cat ran from the room, Taeko went back to her room to change, stopping every few steps to sneeze. By the time she arrived in her room she looked a fright. Her eyes were tearing, her nose was running, her blouse was now almost completely unbuttoned, leaving only her apron to cover her. She blew her nose, setting a new personal record for tissue use, and got a change of clothes. She quickly dumped the rest of the laundry in the washer and joined Aoi in the kitchen to start preparing for dinner.

"Miss Taeko, you poor thing! You look and sound simply awful!" Aoi was obviously very concerned.

"Well… I'm fine," Taeko sighed. "Turns out I'm a little bit allergic to Mister Neco-chan." Her voice came out noticeably stuffy sounding.

"Oh my, from the look and sound of things, I'd say more than a little… I'm so sorry! I never should have brought him in here without checking with everyone first!"

"Oh it's not your fault Miss Landlord! I didn't even know myself! I would have said 'It's fine, no problem,' Really!"

"But tonight, and tomorrow morning… you'll need some med…"

"I'll be fine! I'll just keep my distance, that's all! I can do that for just one day!" Taeko didn't feel fine, but she didn't want Aoi to worry, so she put up a cheerful front. "Now let's get started! My Chocolate-Miso soup isn't going to cook itself!"

Taeko was more nervous than usual that night preparing dinner. In addition to her anticipation at trying out one of her new "specialties," Kaoru's friend and their fellow classmate, Mayu Miyuki was joining them that evening, and Mayu could be rather demanding at times. She also made it rather obvious that she was there to see Kaoru and him alone. Knowing that Miyu had, in the past, even criticized Aoi's cooking Taeko was sure that her newest specialty would probably not go over well with her. Oh well, she thought, maybe the others will like it.

___________________________________

As the group sat down to dinner, Kaoru was the first to notice that the manager, Miss Miyabi, was absent for the second night in a row. Aoi informed them that Miyabi had woken up very late that morning, was still exhausted and after taking some medicine went back to bed. Although she was a little bit worried, she felt that, for now, it was still probably better to let her get some rest.

As Aoi and Taeko brought out the food, Kaoru was treated the usual bickering that goes on anytime Miyu and Tina were within an earshot of each other…

"Mayu doesn't understand how Kaoru can live with such a barbaric girl for a house guest." Miyu would start…

"What's that, ya little brat…?" Tina would counter…

And so on it went, until Aoi brought out the main dish: a sushi plate fit for an emperor. Even Mayu was impressed, enough to stop saying rude things to Tina anyway.

Finally Taeko came in with the soup. She was walking rather cautiously, and it was clear that she didn't have the best grip on the rather large, awkward bowl, filled with soup which was sloshing back and forth. "TA-DA! Chocolate Miso Soup! I wasn't sure that could do it… but I did!" She also almost managed to spill it while making her announcement.

"Mayu's not eating that." Mayu whined.

"Shhh! Mayu, don't be so rude! Poor Taeko worked so hard!" Kaoru scolded her.

"Aww… Mayu's sorry... But still…" That was about as sincere an apology as Mayu was capable of giving, and Kaoru seemed to be the only one she really respected. On the other hand, Mayu was only guilty of actually saying what everyone else was already thinking.

Although Taeko didn't really care one way of the other what Mayu thought, it made her very happy that Kaoru stood up for her. She closed her eyes and smiled and in that split second missed the cat darting by her and hiding under the table. She was halfway to the table herself when the tickle hit her. To her dinner companions at the table it looked like she suddenly slumped over and went cross-eyed.

"Oh no… Ah… Ahh…." Her mind was racing. She knew she couldn't get to the table in time – whenever Taeko ran while carrying something breakable it always ended in catastrophe. She was too far from the kitchen… Can't reach the table… Contents already sloshing around… Don't want to spill it….

"ahh…. Haaa-aaahh…. AAAAAHHHH-shoo!" Right into the soup.

"Wow Tae! At least now we know what your secret ingredient is!" Tina blurted out obnoxiously.

Taeko just looked down into the serving bowl. "I'm sorry everyone." Taeko said meekly. "I guess we're not going to have any soup tonight." She walked dejectedly into the kitchen to dispose of her creation.

"Tina!" Kaoru scolded in a harsh whisper, "That wasn't very nice either!"

"Oh, I'm only kiddin'!" She whispered back. "Besides – did you really wanna try that stuff?" Kaoru remained silent. "Didn't – think – so!"

At this point Neco-chan lept up onto the empty seat next to Mayu, where Taeko was to sit. "Aww! What a cute kitty! Shweet wittle kitty… Shweety kitty…" Miyu was obviously quite taken with the cat.

As Taeko came back from the kitchen, she froze at the sight of Mayu, who was in the chair next to hers playing with the Cat.

"Um… Excuse me… uh… Miss Mayu?"

"WHAT?" Mayu replied rather sharply.

"Well… it's just that… you see I… uh…" Mayu was no longer paying attention, and had gone beck to smothering the cat.

"You'll have to let Kaoru take him away now, Mayu." It was Aoi.

"Why? Mayu likes the wittle kitty!" It was beginning to annoy more than just Tina how she kept referring to an 18 pound cat as a "wittle kitty" in such a childish tone.

"Well, it turns out that Taeko is very allergic to him. So please let Kaoru take him away so Taeko can join us."

Both Kaoru and Tina were surprised by this news, since they had not been around the house all day.

"Awwww," Mayu whined. "Don't tell me the maid is going to eat with us too! At Mayu's house the help never dines with Mayu's family!" Since Mayu cared only about Kaoru, and herself of course, it was lost on her that the others were all close friends, and that she was, in fact, the outsider.

"Mayu doesn't see why Mayu should have to suffer since she's the one with the problem!" Taeko just stood there, looking helpless.

"THAT'S ENOUGH MAYU!" Now it was Kaoru's turn. "Taeko is my friend too, and I won't have you treating her so inconsiderately!"

"ok mayu's sorry" she said, in an uncharacteristically timid tone.

"And we're so sorry Taeko-chan," Kaoru continued, "If we knew we never would have…"

"It's OK!" Taeko interrupted, "Miss Landlady and I already covered that! It was as much a surprise to me, really! It's OK, really! Thanks for talking him away though." Kaoru put Neco-chan back in his room, and dinner continued with only a couple of sneezes from Taeko, all covered but seemingly aimed in Mayu's direction, much to her disgust, and Tina's amusement. By the end of the evening there was still no sign of Miss Miyabi.

___________________________________

Miyabi woke up late again on Sunday. She had slept all of Friday evening and woke up on Saturday just long enough to take another pill, and go back to sleep. Having had such a strong reaction to the medication, she considered not taking her last pill this morning. Then she head Kaoru call to Lady Aoi from the kitchen.

"Aoi-chan… There's a message from the Takahada's. They said they'll be back this evening and thanked us for minding Neco-chan until then."

Well, that decided it. Although she couldn't afford to spend another day in bed – she had too much work to do – she wouldn't get anything done without her medication. She reached over the silk pouch where she had the last pill… Where was it?

She looked up and saw Tina's pet ferret, Uzume, sitting upright on her desk, with the pouch in his mouth.

"Oh, no you don't… Stay… right… where… you… ARE!" She lunged at the sack, but the ferret sprinted off with it and disappeared down the hall.

"That… didn't… just… HAPPEN!" She thought desperately to herself. She locked the door to her office, opened the window and crossed her fingers that the others would just leave her alone, and keep the cat away, for the rest of the day.

___________________________________

After breakfast Taeko cleaned up while Aoi went to hang the wash from yesterday out to dry. Kaoru was trying to study in his room but he couldn't really concentrate as the cat kept wanting attention. At first he was relieved when Tina showed up and asked if she could watch him for a while.

"Sure Tina, that would be great! Thanks, you're a big help… Wait a second…"

"Well… You're bringin' him back tonight, so I thought I'd spend some time with him before sayin' good bye!" But Kaoru looked up and saw a familiar glint in Tina eye.

"What are you up to?" He prodded.

"NOTHING!" Tina said, a little too innocently to be believed.

"Hmmm… Well whatever, just stay out of trouble… And whatever you do, don't lose him! We are going to bring him back tonight!"

"You can count on me!" Tina exited Kaoru's room wearing a grin that left him feeling uneasy.

___________________________________

Tina's sense of mischief often got the better of her, and this morning she was bored, which is never a good sign. She crept quietly thought the house until spying Taeko drying dishes in the kitchen. She snuck right up behind her, holding the cat out at arms length and yelled "HEY! TAEKO!"

Taeko almost jumped out of her skin, and instinctively crossed her arms over her chest, anticipating another full-frontal groping. She turned around to yell at Tina and instead ran right into a face-full of cat.

She backed away, covering her nose with one hand and trying to push the cat and/or Tina away with the other.

"Oh no! Miss Foster, please I… hah… HAAAYEE-tchoo! No… come on p-p-please don don don't… HAAAAAAYAshoo!" But Tina seemed to be having more fun doing this than she ever did massaging Taeko's breasts. Tina took a step forward, still holding the cat out. Taeko ran from the room. Tina followed quickly.

"Please Miss Tina… I'm so allergic! My poor nose… it's heeeee-aaaAAAHH-SHOO!" There went the clasp in the front of her bra again. And Tina was right behind her, still holding the Cat out in front of her as she ran. They ran though the front room, and into to the first floor hallway.

"Come on," Tina teased, "What's wrong Tae?" Her giggly, wicked laughter filled the hall.

"Miss Tina, please… HAAAAH-SHOO!" It was a miracle that Taeko could run and sneeze at the same time without injuring herself, but Tina would not give up the pursuit. They started up the main staircase.

"Please Miss Tina, I don't… want… to… snee… ah… sneeze any m… more… ah… HAH-SHOO!" But Tina was still giving chase, up the stairs, and down the second floor hallway.

In her office Miss Miyabi was out of printer paper. She figured this would be a good excuse to go to the store, and pick up some allergy medication along the way. She figured she wouldn't really need it after tonight, but it never hurt to have it handy. Plus some over-the-counter brand probably wouldn't knock her out the way her vintage prescription stuff did. She opened the door and was so startled to see Taeko barreling down on her that she didn't even noting the tears streaming from her eyes or the mucus running from her nose in two thick streams.

*POW*

They collided and went down in a heap. Wearing just her socks and running full tilt on a wooden floor, Tina was just as unable to stop herself…

*WHAM*

All three laid in the pile for a few second before Miyagi came to.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS! MISS FOSTER! MISS MINAZUKI! I'D BETTER GET A GOOD…" Her shrill yelling suddenly cut out as she noticed the forth victim in their pile-up. But as Taeko still was on her legs, and Tina was still on top of Taeko, she couldn't move! She leaned back, struggling to put some space, any space between her sensitive nose and the cat.

"WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?! I… I… AAAAAAHHHHH-TCHOOOOO!" While Taeko's sneezes were strong, they were nothing compared to Miyabi's. Her sneeze was as much louder and stronger than Taeko's as her voice was – which compared to Taeko's timid tone, could be heard outside the house and down the street. A second sneeze came violently and Tina and Taeko were finally thrown off.

"MIIIIIIISSSSSS FOOOOOSTEEEEERRRRR!" Now it was Tina's turn to flee, as Miyabi chased her back down the hall, sneezing wildly every few seconds, but not letting it slow her down one single step. It was left for a stuffy, sniffly, sneezy Taeko to go find Kaoru and ask him to please take Neco-chan back into his room.

___________________________________

As Kaoru and Aoi walked home from the Takahada's house, they felt really bad for both Taeko and Miss Miyabi. They thought they should do something nice to make it up to them. They talked about how inconsiderate Miyu had been, and couldn't help but laugh at how much trouble Tina had caused – which was really just par for the course with her. But in the end they both still felt like the whole mess was their doing. Aoi decided to give Taeko the next day off, and Kaoru volunteered to help by filling in with her chores. She also picked up ingredients for Miss Miyabi's favorite dish. "Maybe we should go easy on the pepper though…" she joked. Kaoru laughed. He was just happy things would soon be back to normal… whatever that meant!

The Substitute Sitter

(I originally posted this on The Tarot of Sneezing around 1998 if I remember correctly. If you Google the title, it's STILL the #1 entry! LOL )

"No, I understand… No you shouldn't go out if you're not feeling well… No don't worry, next week then… I'll call you later. Bye."

Kirsten hung up the phone. She could not believe it. After a pop quiz in pre-calc, which she bombed, she didn't make the volleyball team and on top of all that the only fun she was going to have this weekend, thanks to the term paper due on Tuesday and college essays that aren't going to write themselves, just canceled on her. Well, to be precise, he called in sick. So she reclined back on her bed, put her glasses on the nightstand and tried to relax for a few minutes and make her long day at school simply fade away. This state of forced bliss would not last long.

"Kirsten?" Her mother called.

"Yes?"

"Your sister promised the McCarthy's she'd watch Timmy for them tonight, but she won't be able to go. Are you free tonight?"

"I am now. John canceled."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had plans."

"Like I said - I'm free now. Who are the McCarthy's anyway?"

"They live over on Avalon, I don't think you've met them. Sarah was sitting for them for the first time tonight but she had to cancel."

"Why?"

"Oh, uh... She has a date."

To add insult to injury, a perfectly miserable week was now going to end by here filling in for her sister, baby-sitting of all things, for someone she never met, while her kid sister goes out on a date!

"What time?"

"Seven."

Great. Well, as this was a perfectly bad day, she thought things can only get better.

Well, she was wrong. She ended up falling asleep, and didn't wake until 6:45. Her parents had gone out for the night, leaving a note saying not to oversleep.

"Well, that's handy." She thought.

So she grabbed her glasses and books and went to the garage to get her bike; not that it was easy task. She hadn't ridden it in the year and a half since she got her license so it was buried under a pile of junk. It was 6:50. Her parents had the car. She was late.

"Avalon...Avalon..." She pedaled down Kennedy Street looking for her destination. The wind was blowing, but it was warm and the late April weather had been delightful. That was a mixed blessing however, since she was allergic to at least three kinds of pollen that were in bloom this time of year, and though she normally got shots, her allergist had to leave town on a family emergency and rescheduled her appointment until next week. The over-the-counter stuff she had been taking in the meantime was barely half as effective, and in her rush she'd forgotten to take any at all. Her nose had been running all day and right now it was on fire.

"ah...Ahh...AHHH... ... ... ah."

There were three reasons she did not want to sneeze right now. (BEGIN sneezing might be a more accurate way of putting it.) First, she had no tissues. Second, she was riding a bike and carrying books, which gave her no free hands. And third, she had her glasses on and one of her allergy-season sneezes would get them all spotted up and since, as she already thought, she had neither a tissue nor free hands, she wouldn't be able to clean them.

The wind kept up and she had to really concentrate to keep from sneezing the entire fifteen minute ride over. She just wanted to get inside a nice air-conditioned house so she could apologize for being late without a gigantic sneezing fit taking control of her.

She finally got to the house. It was a split-level ranch with dark wood trim and gray stone walls. It had large windows in the front, and was landscaped beautifully. Of course the flower beds in front of the house seemed to be bothering her nose even more. She walked up to door, rang the bell and waited.

"Come on... ah... let me..ee..ah...ah...Ah...in... ... ah..ah-CHOOO ... AH-choo! Dammit!"

She always sneezed twice when she did, and her allergy attacks rarely stooped at two. And sure enough, she dropped her books, and got her glasses spotty.

"Oh damn... ah... ah...-CHOO! AH-choo! Come on open uh ... ahh ... AHCHOOO! AHCHOO! up!"

On the last sneeze, something on the ground caught her eye. It was a yellow Post-It note than had, at one point, been stuck to the door. She picked it up and fortunately her glasses were still clear enough for her to read it:

"Sarah,
Timmy will be home from Karate at eight. The key is in the planter on the right. Make yourself at home. We should be back by ten. Good Luck,
Amanda."

"Thank you Amanda ... ah ... Oh God ... ah ... Aah ... AH-choo ... AAH-choo ... Aah - Huh-choo ... huhchoo."

OK simple solution, she thought. Five steps: Find the key, get inside, find some tissues, blow nose, clean glasses. The key was not however in the planter on the right, or the one on the left. And she seemed to be bothered even more by the contents of both. And her nearly unbearable sneezing fit was not making the search any easier. The key was in fact under the welcome mat. She went inside.

The kitchen was big for a house this size, and she found a quarter-filled box of tissues on the shelf, by the phone. She blew her nose and cleaned of her glasses, but the tickle in her nose had not gone away. She could breathe again, but her nose and sinuses still felt like they were crawling with ants. That was not unusual though, the attack would get worse and then subside and she'd be able to breathe again without her allergies waging war on her. It didn't get worse however, and she didn't sneeze, but the tickle stayed. She thought she'd call John and see how he was holding up.

"Heddoh?"

"Still stuffy huh?"

"Yeah, feelig bedder, doh."

"You don't sound any better."

"You don sound so good yourself."

"No my allergies acted up on the way oh ... over... AH-choo...

"Bless you"

"AAH-choo... Excuse me! Must have taken in more pollen than I thought" She said as she went for another tissue.

"Well, I'm sorry again about canceling tonight. I thought next week we'd..."

But she didn't catch any of what he was about to say. "Wait ... ah-AHCOO! Hold on I ah... AH... AHSHOO! I can't hear yoo... ooh... ah... ACSHOO! Oh my god! Aaah-choo. What's going on?"

"You sound worse than usual. I thought you were getting shots."

"I waah ... waa ... WHAACHOO. was. Long story. ah... AH... Oh my god! I gotta go." She now knew what the source of this attack was, and it wasn't the pollen blowing around outside. It was the Siamese cat that just walked into the kitchen.

"Oh no!" she thought, as her sneezing escalated. Usually at a time like this she would talk to herself, saying whatever she was thinking. She often told people it made for more intelligent conversation that way. Right now thought she couldn't talk. She sneezed over and over, the whole time thinking, "Why didn't they mention they had a CAT!?" Then it dawned on her: Her kid sister Sarah was supposed to be here! Kirsten had never even MET the McCarthy's! And for a crowning example of how unfair life was, Kirsten was not allergic to ANYTHING! She was also so self-absorbed that she probably never thought to mention it to Mom.

"AaaShooo! Oh! I'm gonna ... ah ASCHOO! kill ... he ... ha ... ah... ACHOO! Kill her!"

So she went into the next room. And, pacing, tried to figure a way out of this one.

"Mom and Dad are ou... ou... ah... ASHOO! out.... Well I guess I can stick it out until eight and just explain that I can't staaa.... Aah-choo!"

The Siamese was gone, so she went back into the kitchen to get another tissue.

"Oh CRAP!" It was the last one. She ran into the nearest bathroom.

Her sneezing fit finally subsided. She blew her nose several times with some toilet paper. "Cheapskates," she thought. They didn't even use two-ply. She looked in the mirror. Her hair was a little tussled, no big deal, but her nose was red as punch and her eyes looked like rivers. She cleaned her self up as well as she could and got another idea.

"There must be some kind of medication around here..." She said to herself, having gotten her voice and breath back. She started to inventory the medicine cabinet.

"Q-Tips, Dental Floss, spare toothbrush, foot powder, K-Y ... yuck ... contact lens solution, a dixie-cup with make-up brushes in it, and a half-empty tube of tooth paste." Rolled neatly from the bottom, she noticed.

"Nothing. Damn. Well, maybe in the kitchen."

So she took to tearing through the cabinets, finding nothing but dishes. The one odds-and-ends cabinet she found took longer to inventory than the medicine chest. So much of her attention was in the cabinet that she didn't not the Siamese until it began rubbing it's head on her calf. It purred as she began to sneeze.

"Ah-CHOO! Go away ... ay ... ah ... ah-CHOOO!"

She gave it a little nudge and it took the hint. It was about 7:45 when the front doorbell rang. FINALLY. She could introduce herself, explain the situation and go HOME.

She opened the door and was more than a little disappointed. A little kid of maybe eight was waiting in a sweaty Karate Gi. A white LeBarons was pulling out of the driveway and pulling away. They just dropped him off. Damn.

"Are you Sarah?"

"No" She said, holding a finger to her already tickling nose. "I'm Kirsten."

"Oh. You look like Sarah, but you look different."

Thanks for that piquant observation she thought, the tickle building into that creepy-crawly feeling again. "I'm her sis ... ah... ster. She couldn't make it after aaa... ACHOO! ACHOO!"

"Bless you! Oh well, I guess that's OK."

"Great." She thought. "Just what I need right now. Approval to stay, from an eight-year-old."

All in all, Timmy didn't seem that bad. Cute kid. Sort of like that one from Jerry Maguire. What was his name? Lipnicke? But without the glasses. Hers were so spotty, and she could barely remember where she left them. Yeah, he seemed like a good kid. Very smart, but with a look of mischief in spite of his superb manners. Despite the occasional appearance of the Siamese, whose name she found out was "Mao," her sneezing subsided a little. Although her condition was far from GOOD.

"Do you have a cold?"

"No it's my all... all... ah... hang on... ahahah... ACHOO! ACHOO! My allergies."

"What are they?"

"I'm allergic to the ca... ahh... the ca... cahh... MAO! ah-choo... ah-CHOO... AH-CHOO... ah-CHOO."

"What does that mean?"

"It MEANS, that when I get near the ca... ca... cat. His fur and hair and stuff makes ... ah ... me ... ah.... sneeze... ah... ACHOO! ACHOO!" Talking about it made it impossible for her to keep her mind of it, and that made it worse.

"OOOOH! So when the cat is around, his fur makes you sneeze!"

"Yeah, very... very... ah... AAHH... ah. Very good."

"Oh. OK." He then got up and went into the kitchen. Kirsten laid back down on the couch, found her glasses, and started to read up for Monday's history class. Not only did she not get far, she also couldn't believe what happened next. Timmy had gone into the kitchen and gotten the cat. He brought it back into the living room snuck up behind her and dropped it right on her face. The result was explosive and he ran away, laughing.

"AAAAH-CHOOOO!! You little ... ah... ACHOO! ACHOO! BRAT!" She tried to get up but was paralyzed by a fit of uncontrollable sneezing. She had been trying to hold them back all night, and having a shedding Siamese thrown on her face was the anvil that broke the camel's back. And to make it worse the cat seems to be enjoying it! It purred to whole time it made her sneeze.

She chased him up the stairs, he laughed, she sneezed. She dragged him downstairs and sat him down at the table. "Don't do that! Now you're going to finish your homework and then go to bed! Understood?"

"Yeah." The boy mumbled.

Not that she was having a very productive time herself, but at least the cat had gone away for awhile and the terrible sneezing attacks subsided. She was reading a relatively interesting history chapter about Lewis and Clark, and had become completely engrossed in it. Timmy on the other had quickly lost interest in the multiplication problems he was doing and, unbeknownst to Kirsten, was getting bored very fast.

She was not paying attention however until she started to sneeze again. Figuring the cat was nearby she looked around and could not believe her watery eyes: Timmy had the cat up on the table and was rubbing it on the sides with his hands in a quick repeating upwards motion causing huge amounts of hair and dander to fly into the air. She went to say something and couldn't even start.

"AAH-schoo! AAH-schoo! Sto... Sto... aah... AHCHOO! Stop thah... ah… ACHOO! ACHOO! STOP THAT! ACHOO! AH-CHOO!."

Again he ran away, when she finally caught him, and stopped sneezing, her patience was used up.

"BED!"

With Timmy in bed, much earlier than most of the kids she USED to baby-sit, she went into the bathroom. In addition to actually having to go to the bathroom, it was the only room in the house that the cat apparently stayed out of. By now it was just past 9:30 and she was glad that they were almost back. She finished up and to her dismay used to last of the toilet paper. She looked under the sink, finding none. And she still needed to blow her nose. She went into the hall, the tickling feeling coming back almost at once, and opened the linen closet.

"Damn! None... ah... Aah... AAH... .... ah."

Back in the bathroom, it was now time to improvise. Her nose was really running now. She looked under the sink and felt out of luck, until she stumbled across a full box of Maxi Pads, thins no less.

"Of all the... That is should come to this!"

She got one out, and blew her nose. She disposed of the item and went downstairs. There was a message on the phone – they must have called while she was in the bathroom. What's more, that annoying tickle was back. She pressed play, it was Mrs. McCarthy

"Hi Sarah! Listen, we're running a little late so we won't be home until 11:00. See you then! Thanks!"

She was stunned. It was now 9:45 and she could've sat on a spike, holding a heavy suitcase on her lap for 15 minutes, but an hour and fifteen minutes? With no tissues, no toilet paper and a limited supply of other sundry items? Well at least that little brat was in bed.

By the time 11:30 rolled around the McCarthy's came home. They were surprised to see Kirsten and even more surprised by the state she was in. And they didn't even see the sleeves of her shirt, which had doubled as hankies for the last 45 minutes. They drove her home, and she got such a good tip that she didn't have the heart to tell them about Timmy, but she figured that Sarah could deal with him on her own next tim

Girls Knight in Gotham

Fandom: Batman
Originally Posted: 9/7/11
All Characters property of DC Comics

(NOTE: I'm going to re-post this at a later time, after all of my older stuff has been put up.)

------------------------------------

It took Harley Quinn a few minutes to make her way through the poorly lit corridors of the abandoned industrial complex, to the basement storage facility where the Joker was hiding out.

"You wanted to see me, boss?"

"Yeeeeeesssss, Harley, come in! Sit down!" There were no chairs, other than the one the Joker occupied behind an ornate desk that looked out of place in the otherwise spartan abode. "Have you heard? Crime doesn't pay!"

Harley chuckled a bit. "Yeah, boss, I've heard that."

"Well… lately, it seems… crime hasn't paid much at all. Resources are thin, profits are down, and the long term industry trends are simply not favorable…"

"Are you firing me, boss?" Harley was nervous. The Joker meant far more to her than mere employment.

"No, no, NO, my dear! On the contrary… I want you to do a job for me! And a rather important one at that! One that will pay the rent, give us a few laughs, and possibly have the entire world eating out of our hands!" As he said this, he got up from behind the desk and adjusted the ruff on the neck of her costume.

"Oh boy, thank God for that!" her relief was genuine. And as it was, she was beginning to wonder how long they were going to be hiding out in factory basements. "So what's the job?"

"The black diamond!" his eyes opened wide as he said it.

"Wha…?"

"Good heavens, my girl, don't you read the newspaper?"

"Boss! You know I don't…"

"The Gotham Metropolitan Art Museum will be displaying one of the mythical Black Diamonds!"

Harley was clearly confused. "Black diamond? Who'd want a Black Diamond?"

The Joker sighed in exasperation. "The Black Diamond is a mystical artifact of great power! The last time one of these was loose, the entire world was practically plunged into global chaos! And I want it!"

"OK, boss… But something like that… The security's gonna be pretty tight. How do you plan to get in?"

"The word on the street is that Catwoman and Poison Ivy are trying to team up. Apparently one of them has a full schematic of the Museum's security system and the other possesses the Security Passcodes to disable the alarms. And because the Museum has no idea what they're actually putting on display… There will not be any additional security measures taken!"

"So… Uh... What's stopping them?"

"Oh... The usual."

"You mean: Bat…"

"DON'T…"

"…man?"

"say it!" The Joker groaned. "BUT… That's where you come in! I've arranged for a meeting with both of them, where you are going to give them the following offer: In exchange for bringing you in on their team, and giving you an equal cut, I'll make my presence in the City publicly known, and lead Batman on a wild goose chase the night of the heist. And the joke will be on him, because while you three commit the crime of the century the mighty Joker will be nothing more than a mere diversion!"

"But… Boss… If they sell the diamond and all we get is a third… Then how…?"

"SILLY GIRL!" he yelled, jumping right up to her and bending down to meet the diminutive criminal nose-to-nose. "That's just the offer you're going to make! Once you're in their confidence, you will gain entry to their hidey-holes, find out where they've stashed the security schematics and pass codes and after you STEAL them, we'll go and filch the diamond the night BEOFRE the planned heist!" Even this close up, she could see his grin pervading the perimeter of her peripheral vision.

"Oh… I get it, boss! You're a genius!"

"I know, Harley, I know." The Joker stood up and made a futile effort to neaten his hair. "Now get going, you're meeting the two of them at Selina Kyle's Penthouse in one hour! And don't forget my darling little thief: Find those schematics and passcodes and steal them!"

"You can count on me, boss!" Harley answered, saluting enthusiastically.

"I certainly hope so, my dear!"

-------------------------------------------------

Knock-knock

The door to the Penthouse opened revealing Selina Kyle is a black silk bathrobe. Behind her stood Pamela Isley, who had already arrived, fully dressed in her Poison Ivy regalia.

"You're late," said Catwoman.

"Sorry!" Harley Quinn responded, flashing a smile just big enough to be annoying.

"Well, come in. And let us know what kind of fool's errand your boss sent you here on."

"Awww… You're no fun! And here I came *sniff* arms extended to try and help you guys out!"

Poison Ivy was not impressed. "You work for the clown. And if there's one maxim in this filthy town I believe in, it's NEVER work with the clown!"

"Awwww… *sniff* come on! This time it's legit! For reals! And the best part is *sniff* you'll never even have to see him! *sniff* That the whole idea!"

Poison Ivy still looked unconvinced, but Catwoman was intrigued, "Well… I like the idea of not having to see him. What's the deal?"

"Well… *sniff*," Harley started, pausing to wipe her nose, "He figures you two already know what's going to be on display at the Gotham Met, right?"

"Yeah, yeah… The Black Diamond." Poison Ivy scoffed. " So?"

"Soooooo… *sniff* oh man… *sniff* He also figures that you guys got a plan to get in!"

"And suppose we do," answered Catwoman, "Where do you come in?!"

"Weeeellll… *sniff*" Harley stopped, and rubbed her nose again, more vigorously, "Oh, MAN! *sniff* In exchange for a third of the cut, *sniff* he'll agree to make a major disturbance, *sniff* clear on the other *sniff* side of town, leading Batman as far away, *sniff* and keeping him as much otherwise occupied as possible! *sniff*"

"What's the matter with you?" Poison Ivy asked derisively. "Are you sick or something?"

But Harley didn't answer. She just held up her index finger as her eye's crossed, her brow furrowed and her nostrils flared. She felt as if electricity was running through her nose. "haftaa… snee… eeeeEEEE-HAAAATCH-CHUMFH!" Harley was bent over by the force of her sneeze, and the bells on her jester's hat jingled for a few seconds as she remained in that pose.

Poison Ivy scoffed, as if disgusted.

Harley stood back up, holding her index finger under her nose, and flashing a self-deprecating grin. "Sor-reee! *sniff*"

Catwoman tried to keep their business conversation on track, "Well, fine. It just so happens that we MIGHT have a way in and WERE hoping we could take on someone to handle the diversion side of things…"

"haaaatch-CHOOMPHTFT!" (jingle-jingle)

"… that would definitely make things easier…"

"haah… haaaatch-CHUMPHLTFLT!" (jingle-jinlge)

"… in terms of the whole 'Bat' situation…"

"*sniff* aaaah… *sniff* HAAAHTCHMPLBLT!" (jingle-jingle)

"Oh for the love of…" Poison Ivey was getting annoyed.

"Harley?" Catwoman asked, "You wouldn't happen to be... allergic to cats, would you?"

"*sniff* I don't… *sniff* ooooooh… *sniff* I don't know. I… I… heee… heeeaaAAHATCHOOEY!"

(jingle-jingle)

"Well, could you stifle it girly? We've got work to do!" Poison Ivy was just about out of patience.

"Don't be so mean, Pamela…" Catwoman said, walking over to Harley Quinn, wrapping her arm around her shoulder and gently rubbing a silk handkerchief over her nose. "It's not like she can help it…"

But her motivation was far from altruistic. She had been handling one her cats just before Quinn's arrival and was certain that her robe was covered in cat hair and dander.

"Gee… *sniff* thanks, Miss Cat… I… I… *sniff* Oh my God… Miss… C… Ca… Caaah….Haaah…. HaaaaeeeEEETCHOO! Hee-YAAAAHCHOMPLGHT! Hetch-OOOHHMPH! Hetch-CHOOMPH!" Her bells jingled with every body-bending sneeze. "D'ya think I… *sniff* could use… *sniff* your powder r… roo… rreeeAAAHTCHOOMLPLGT! ...room?"

"Oh, you go right ahead, darling!" Catwoman replied, giving her a pat on her bottom as she started away. Once she was out of sight, Catwoman's attention was turned back to Poison Ivy, "OK, now that the little delinquent is out of an earshot… what do you think of the Joker's offer?"

"PLPPLBPLBBLBPBLPLBLT!" Harley Quinn gave her nose a mighty blow from the privacy of Catwoman palatial guest's bathroom. "Hoo-Boy! *sniff* Working with Catwoman and allergic to Cats! What could possibly be worse?" But when she looked back at the mirror she jumped, swearing that she briefly caught a glimpse of the Joker's maniacally smiling face, just behind her.

"Ah… Hahah… haha…. Ha. Yeah… Well… Allergy or not, the boss is counting on me to get this done!"

She gave another mighty sniff and looked back in the mirror. Her eyes were red and itchy and the tears had made her mask wet and smeared her makeup. Worse, her nose had been running so badly, and she had been rubbing it so much, that her white makeup had been wiped completely clean, and what showed through was various shades of pink and red.

"Oooooh… *sniff* Only for you, Mister J.!" And with one more hearty sniff, she looked outside the door and, rather than return to the main room and rejoin the conspiracy, Harley Quinn quietly made her way down the hallway in the other direction, heading towards Catwoman's bedroom.

"*sniff* Nice place she's got here." Harley thought to herself. But the tickle in her nose was quickly growing to almost torturous levels. She rubbed her finger under it vigorously. "OK. *sniff* Gotta be fast. Look for a safe, or something…"

"meow!"

'Oh no!' Harley thought as a Siamese crawled out from behind the bed.

"*sniiiiiif* Ooooooooh! Safe! Safe! Where is it?" she asked herself, fiercely rubbing her nose and trying not to sneeze.

"Mmmmrrroooowww!" Another Cat crawled out from behind the bed.

"eep! *sniiiiif* Oh my God! I'm in trouble, Mister J.!"

"mrow!" a third cat came out of the walk-in closet, and before she knew it there were a dozen cats going in between her feet, and rubbing themselves against her shins and calves, vying for her attention and affection.

"Oh no! *sniff* kitties! *sniff* Go away! *sniff* Need to… *sniiifff* [rub-rub-rub] find the safe for Mister J.! I… I ca… I can't…. I…. haaaah… Oh please…. *sniff* haaaaaaaaaah…. No…. *sniff*…. Haaaaaah…. Haaaaaaaaaaaaah… HAAATCHOO! HETCHOO! heeeATCH-TSHOO! Haaaah…. Haaacthoo! Hetchoo! Hetchoo! Heeeaaatchooo! HAAATCH-TSCHOOO!" (jingle-jingle)

"Can I help you?!" Catwoman was standing in the doorway, tapping her foot and eyeing Harley Quinn suspiciously.

"P… P… *sniff* Powder room?" she asked, smiling innocently, and pointing towards the door to the master bath with the same finger she held under her nose in a vain effort to prevent any more allergens from getting in.

"GETOUTOFMYROOMTHISINSTANT!" Catwoman screamed, pointing back down the hall, to where they had been waiting for her.

"*sniff* Sorry…" Harley said as she slunk slowly away. 'Mister J.' she added, silently, in her mind.

Harley found that she could breathe just the slightest bit easier once back in the much larger, much more frequently cleaned, main room.

"OK… then," Catwoman began again. "While you were *ahem* indisposed, Ivy and I discussed your boss's offer, and have decided to accept it. I assume you'll be coming with us, then?"

"*sniiiiiiffff* Mmmm."

"Harley?"

"Yes! Yeah! *sniff* I'll be with you."

"Good because we could someone…"

"Haaaatch-SHOO!" (jingle-jingle)

"…to create a diversion…"

"HAAAAATCHSHPLGHT!" (jingle-jingle)

"…on the scene as well."

"Haaah…. HAAAAAH-CHUMPPHLT!" (jingle-jingle)

"And you should be a natural at that, right?"

"Y… yea…. yeeeaaaaAAAATCH-CHOOMPHPT!" (jingle-jingle)

Poison Ivy finally lost her patience, "Of for cripes sakes, I don't know what's more annoying: The sneezing or those god-forsaken BELLS!"

"*sniff* Hey, I'm sorry.. .*sniff* I can't… *sniff* I can't help it, I wish I could! *sniff*"

"Hmmmmm," Catwoman realized that they would still have a lot of the master plan to go over and that Harley was next to useless in her current state. "Ivy? Any chance we could do this at your place?"

"Yeah! *sniff* That would work for me!" Harley was as excited about the opportunity to finish at least half of her mission as she was to get away from the cats.

Poison Ivy rolled her eyes, but realized that Catwoman had a point. "Oh, fine. You know the place already, so… Harley? Here's the address."

"*sniff* Can we go over there now?" Harley asked, desperate to get a breath of air that didn't set her sinuses on fire.

"You can," Catwoman answered, "I'll need a little bit of time to get dressed and… into character. One hour OK with you, Ivy?"

"Sure. See you both then."

Back down on the street, Harley was disappointed to find that she still felt every bit as miserable as she had upstairs. "*sniiiiiffff* Stupid cats! *sniff* Getting me in trouble with my boss now!" She rubbed her nose with one hand and hailed a taxi with another.

Once she hopped in, the driver was immediately startled at who he's just picked up, her boss's reputation preceding her. "Harley Quinn!" he gasped.

"*sniff* Don't worry mister… *sniff* I'm feelin' way too miserable to even run away and skip out on the fare… *sniff* here's fifty in advance… *sniff* just get me to this address… *sniff* OK?"

"No tricks?"

She lifted up her masked, revealing her bloodshot eyes and tear-soaked makeup. "Does this face look like it's in the mood for tricks? *sniff* Just drive, will ya?"

And as Harley curled up into a pitiful, sniffling ball in the back seat, the driver spent most of the ride over daydreaming about telling his friends how he "had a real-live 'super-villain' in his cab this one time!"

And before long, Harley Quinn found herself standing outside of what looked like a huge, privately owned greenhouse. Figuring she could use the time to clean herself up a bit, and possibly restore some of her dignity, she waited for Catwoman to show up before going up to the door herself.

"You're looking a little bit better," Catwoman remarked.

"Yeah. *sniff* Still a little stuffy, but I'll manage. Hey… I'm sorry about the mix up back there."

But Catwoman just laughed, masking her suspicions perfectly. "Oh, that?! That's nothing. No problem at all! It's a big place. ANYONE could get lost in it! No sweat!"

"*sniff* Heh-heh-haaaah." Harley laughed, somewhat pathetically, knowing she was being played, but still lacking any of the vim necessary for a comeback.

The door to the greenhouse opened, and Poison Ivy appeared, now dressed in green civies, much as Catwoman had gone casual back at her place. Harley was starting to think the Joker was the only super-villain around who insisted on dressing the part when he was at home.

"Come on in!" Ivy invited them.

But as soon as Harley walked through the door any notion of relief she had from being away from the cats was obliterated in an instant. Whereas Catwoman's penthouse was at least cleaned regularly, and fairly large, even for a handful of cats, the air in the green house was saturated with the pollen of whatever Poison Ivy was growing here and Harley's nose was immediately set ablaze.

"*sniff*!" (rub-rub-rub) "Oh my God…! Hetchoo! Who… haaah… haAAATCHOOMPH! fills… heeeEEETCHOO! An entire greenhouse… HatcTCHOO! with… HAAAHTCHOOMPLBT! RAGWEED?!" Her bells jingled through the entire fit.

Poison Ivy was indignant, "RAGWEED?! Miss Quinn, I can assure there is no RAGWEED in here!"

"*sniiiiiiffff* coulda fooled… heeeeYAAATCHOOOMPH! …me! *sniff*" (jingle)

"There is nothing in here except for Orchids…"

"HAAAAAH-choomphf!" (jingle-jingle)

"…Lillies…."

"hup-chumf!" (jingle-jingle)

"…and some special hybrids, of my own design"!

"haaaaha… hAAAAAHHHHH…. HAAATCH-TSCHOO! Hut-TXCHOO! HaaaaAAHHCTH-CHOO!!!" (jingle-jingle-jingle)

"Oh, for the… Seriously? Really?"

"*sniff* …yeah… *sniff*"

"Ok, look, Selina, does she really need to be here?"

"haaaath-chmfpt!" (jingle-jingle)
"I mean… Maybe she should go back and tell her boss…"

"*sniiffff* HaaaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHH-choo!" (jingle)

"…that we'll accept his offer. I mean, if she's going to be the diversion, she can probably just wing it, right?"

"Does that sound OK to you, Harley?" Catwoman asked, feeling half-sympathetic and half-glad to be little of the little troublemaker.

"*sniff* yeah *sniff* I gu… gue… gueeeEEEESSSTCHOO! *sniff* I guess so." Harley answered defeatedly, wiping her nose on the back on her hand, and sniffing up that which was pouring out. And, knowing that her chances of finding anything in that greenhouse were just a tiny fraction of what they were back at Catwoman's penthouse, she left, not having accomplished ANY of the objectives her boss had assigned to her.

She knew she couldn't take a Cab all the way back to the Joker's hideout, so she walked, still sneezing (causing her bells to jingle) every dozen steps or so. She wasn't even in the mood to be particularly careful about keeping out of sight and so was spotted several times to the first surprised, and then confused, gasps of Gotham's gentry as they tried to figure out what to make of the sneezing, sniffling super-villain.

After a few hours walking, finally get her sneezing under control, and getting some of the ability to breathe through her nose back, she started down the steps that led into the Joker's subterranean lair. At this point she wanted nothing more than to fall down and go to sleep, but she knew she'd have to apologize to her boss, and try to figure out how to create an opportunity to redeem herself.

"*sniff* Hiya, boss. *sniff*" she said, slumped over in both shame and exhaustion.

"My dear Harley! You look a wreck!" the Joker was only feigning sympathy, but Harley didn't care.

"*sniff* I'm sorry boss… *sniff* I couldn't…"

"Oh, you don't have to explain my dear, I heard the WHOLE thing!"

"*sniff* …huh…?"

"You see I planted a mini-bug in your ruff before you left!"

Harley felt ashamed. "*sniff* Why boss? Dontcha trust me?"

"Oh, OF COURSE dear! It was only there for your… protection! You just can't trust some of these super-villains you know!"

"*sniff* I'm sorry boss. But… *sniff* at least they took the offer?" Harley offered a pitiful smile, but she could see that the Joker wasn't moved.

"Harley, Harley, Harley… You know that this will cost me two-thirds of the cut…"

"*sniff* Yeah, boss, I know."

"…And you KNOW that I'll be keeping your share because of that."

"*sniff* I know, boss."

"…And OF COURSE, you'll still have to be… punished."

"*sniff* I know, boss." And while Harley Quinn could almost have looked forward to a good, hard spanking or some electric-play with the Joker's joy-buzzer, when he finally started laughing, she was horrified to look up and see what he had produced for behind the desk:

A bouquet of a dozen lilies and a fluffy white cat.

"Eep! Oh, no!" she thought, as the Joker stepped out from behind the desk.